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Dads visiting Hoff buy passes for struggle bus

By: Henry Eden ~Simpering Idiot~ While stopping by campus to visit his son Connor during a short business trip to Cincinnati, Xavier dad Walt Smitts reportedly struggled to navigate his way through Hoff Dining Commons. After touring some of the buildings on campus, Smitts was eager to see the cafeteria. “I’m dying to see where Connor … Continue reading

Xavier bans offensive terms

By: Tatum Hunter ~Moldy Pancake~ The Xavier administration is ramping up its efforts to eliminate offensive language on campus and find more respectful alternatives. This project began a few years ago with the university’s official condemnation of one of the most offensive terms in contemporary parlance: freshman. “Calling someone a ‘freshman’ is extremely discriminatory,” said Sarah … Continue reading

Everyday hero: XUPD profiles

By: Grant Vance ~Punk Bitch~ Xavier Police officer Rodney McClane was held to high esteem last Thursday for a prestigious medal of honor. After ten years on the force he was finally recognized for his work distributing upwards of 180 parking tickets per week to students, keeping campus parking lots safe. “It’s all about defending the … Continue reading

Thank you, Blue Gibbon

By: Jonathan Hogue ~Crab Rangoon Connoisseur~ While this week’s Newswire articles are satirical, this submission is straight from the heart. Newswire staff works every Tuesday to give the Xavier community critical and enlightening content each week. While we rely on each other, we believe our work couldn’t be done without the help of Blue Gibbon and … Continue reading

Tours lie about XU

By: Abrena Rowe ~Wyoming Cattle Whisperer~ Thanks to the basketball team, Xavier has seen a drastic decrease in enrollment since the loss against Wisconsin. Incoming freshmen for the 2016-17 year have reported they’d rather attend Villanova University if they are to subject themselves to a religious institution for college. “I personally see myself amongst winners for … Continue reading

Trump slandered! Rubio = mean girl

By: Jonathan Hogue ~Crab Rangoon Connoisseur~ Florida Senator Marco Rubio swept the second Super Tuesday elections by carrying Florida, Ohio and Illinois to become the Republican Party’s leading candidate. Prior to Tuesday’s vote, Rubio told the Associated Press about a dream that has plagued several candidates on the campaign trail. “I had the worst dream that … Continue reading

What does SGA do?

By: Luke Byerly & Llama ~Socrates Wannabes~ In a brilliant effort to benefit the Xavier community, SGA has come up with the groundbreaking Initiative Four, which aims to improve the Xavier experience. This initiative contains no known proposals for actual changes and is estimated to cost $19.2 trillion, which may slightly raise t uition. Many students, … Continue reading

Sure, solidarity, yeah

By: Jonathan Hogue ~Jon Hogue Look Alike Runner-Up~ “Students need an opportunity to be in solidarity with communities outside of their own, and we’re excited to offer a fresh, exciting experience for Musketeers,” Marsha Musketeer in the Center for International Education said. For years, Xavier students have immersed themselves in communities around the world in … Continue reading

Newswire presidential Endorsement

By: Brent M.F. Raines ~Shit Spewer & Rule Breaker Since 1994~ The 2016 Presidential Election has pulled the strange out for both of America’s political parties. On one side, we have an admitted socialist who looks like he’s part of the Saturday morning chess club at the local McDonald’s, and Hillary Clinton. On the other, … Continue reading

Advice: Life is a highway

By: Camry Hogue ~18 years off the assembly line~ Hello, folks. My name is Camry Hogue, and I’ve been off the assembly line for 18 years. During the last two years of my life, I’ve experienced a lot with the Hogue family. While I think most of them are batshit crazy, I’ve come to admire … Continue reading