By: Brent M.F. Raines ~Shit Spewer & Rule Breaker Since 1994~
The 2016 Presidential Election has pulled the strange out for both of America’s political parties. On one side, we have an admitted socialist who looks like he’s part of the Saturday morning chess club at the local McDonald’s, and Hillary Clinton. On the other, we have Kevin from the Office and a candidate who has been described as a “white Kanye West.” Clearly, this election needs sanity and common sense. We need Vermin Supreme.
Galosh-wearing Supreme might not seem like your typical candidate, with his rugged beard and consistently deadpan voice, but don’t be fooled by externals: The man is what America needs. While Republican Donald Trump broadly states that we need to “Make America Great Again,” Supreme has highlighted precise ways in which American society has decayed, specifically morally and orally. Most candidates would use this platform to institute an authoritarian, big-government program where individuals had to check into a dental office on a regular basis. Supreme isn’t like the other candidates though, as he advocates for the ingenious solution of making toothpaste addictive. But that’s not the end of his inventive policy solutions.
Democrat Bernie Sanders has spent most of his time on the campaign trail highlighting the economic inequality in this country. His solution is the age-old “redistribution” of resources which he got from his college roommate, Karl Marx. Supreme has a unique plan to address the economic troubles in this country, and it all begins with his “Free-Pony Platform.” While other politicians’ policies have some name that hides the true nature of the platform, Supreme’s “Free-Pony Platform” is as simple as it sounds — every American gets a free pony. This platform helps address several issues that plague America. Free ponies will create many jobs as the United States makes the much-needed switch to a pony-based economy. Hippies will like this, as methane from the ponies’ feces can be converted to energy, a renewable resource with the potential to end the energy crisis. Conservatives will like his “Free- Pony Platform” because a federal pony identification program will require that your pony be kept near the person at all times, a smart and principled solution to the voter-identification debate.
Supreme isn’t a perfect candidate. He has described himself as a “friendly fascist” and a “tyrant you can trust.” While those statements aren’t made by ideal presidential candidates, it’s relatively tame this cycle. Socialist overlord Clinton and her sidekick Sanders basically want to turn America into a Scandinavian-esqe wasteland, while Trump and Ted Cruz fight with the zeal of the “Real Housewives.” Supreme’s forthright honesty should be commended in today’s political atmosphere, as he has already admitted, “I have no intention of keeping any promise that I make.” But it’s important to remember that he is a politician, and asking him to follow through on his promises is equivalent to asking the Caf to make a good pizza. It’s just not something a reasonable person can expect.
Trump may say that he’s going to “Make America Great Again,” but there’s only one candidate in this field that has the balls to really follow through on that guarantee, and that’s Supreme. He has the strong voice that America needs, and no other candidate has been able to so aptly describe the greatest obstacles that our country must overcome.
“For too long this country has been suffering a great moral and oral decay — in spirit and incisors,” Supreme said at a forum in 2012. “A country’s future depends on its ability to bite back. We can no longer be a nation indentured. Our very salivation is at stake.”
While the other candidates seem to have bitten off more than they can chew, Vermin is an honest person who wasn’t born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Most politicians pay lip service to policies that they will never implement and constantly have to put their foot in their mouth. Voting for them would be like pulling teeth.
It’s up to us to spread Supreme’s message by word of mouth because we need a candidate who will fight tooth-andnail for Americans.
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