Local Zionist struggling to understand

By: Savin Mattozzi

In an exclusive FakeNewswire special report, we followed local Zionist David Westfeld as he tried to learn more about this elusive and mysterious illness known as “logic.” Westfeld, a resident of Indian Hill, sat at his oak desk surrounded by Israeli flags and pictures of Netanyahu. He took a sip of his tea and cleared his throat.

“This illness of logic has escaped me for many years. I have tried to study it, but whenever I come close, I am overcome with a sense of frustration and confusion. You see, when I try to understand the illness and study how it affects people, I simply cannot wrap my head around it.

“For example, when I try to replicate the psychosis of logic as it pertains to my idea that I have the God-given right to displace and kill millions of innocent people because of my loose and vague attachment to a land I have no claim to, I am unable to see it from the afflicted point of view,” Westfeld stated while taking another sip of tea.

“In order to better understand how the affliction affects its victims, I was fortunate enough to be able to go to the local psych ward to observe and conduct interviews with those who have succumbed to the illness.”

The FakeNewswire was able to accompany Westfeld to the Newberry Psychological building, a newly constructed facility whose purpose is to serve those who have fallen ill to such things as logic, creativity, decency and introspectiveness. The first patient we were able to observe was Jonathan Steinglass, a 43-year-old former professor at UC Berkeley.

Savin Mattozzi is from Portland, Maine. Mattozzi is an opinionated little shit who doesn’t know when to shut up.

“The idea that I am in a psych ward for expressing my ideas that Palestinians ought to be treated with dignity and respect is absolutely preposterous. I simply do not understand how approaching the situation from a humanitarian point of view makes it so that I am the one who needs medical assistance. I mean, how exactly can one justify the systemic and violent oppression that occurs in Israel and then in turn accuse those who advocate for human rights as being anti-Semitic or self-hating Jews? Just because I support the fair and just treatment of Palestinians, doesn’t mean…” Steinglass was abruptly taken away by the nurses as he was clearly having a psychotic fit.

“You see…” Westfeld continued, unfazed by the events that we observed, “this type of psychosis is beyond my comprehension of mental illnesses. We must continue to research this devastating illness that has taken hold of so many people. The only silver lining in this whole ordeal is that the number of people that are being affected has been steadily declining. Let’s hope that trend continues.”