Features: “Who is Jon Nicholas?” and Horoscopes – 2/20/19

Comic by Evana Dias | The views expressed in this comic are the opinion of the artist and do not reflect the opinions of the Newswire staff as a whole.


Who is Jon Nicholas?

They say his name is “Jon Nicholas.” He is less of a man and more of a myth. Legends tell of a being who lives within the walls of the Xavier Television Studio, guarding the film equipment and occasionally coming out from his place of hiding to teach an editing class.

Any evidence of this “Jon Nicholas” is entirely unconfirmed. When I brought up the mystery to many of my fellow DIFT peers, I was only met with remarks of confusion. I tried contacting alumni, but none of them have returned my calls. All of this points to a grand conspiracy going on at the TV studio, one that goes all the way to the top. And I was determined to get to the bottom of it.

My first stop was the man who made the most recent report of a Jon Nicholas sighting: sophomore Rex Basalone, president of the Xavier Television Club. Basalone and I go way back, and I know him to be a man of unimpeachable character. He is a composed, clearheaded and sensible man, as well as the director of the weekly Xavier news broadcast.

I occasionally anchor for the broadcast, and after last week’s show, he pulled me aside to discuss his Jon Nicholas theories. According to Basalone, Jon plays a vital yet invisible role behind the scenes of the broadcast: He is the man responsible for making the show go live.

This theory made sense, until that night I awoke with a startling realization: If Jon makes the broadcast go live, surely more people than my mom would tell me I did a good job anchoring. I had debunked Basalone’s theory and lost all trust in him.

Next, I visited a girl who claims to work in the studio as Jon’s assistant, but she ended up being more off her rocker than poor Basalone. Sarah Soczka began this school year a bright young first-year, and I don’t know if it was drugs or the Xavier dance team, but something got to her. I met with her to talk about Jon Nicholas, and never had I met someone so caught up in her own fantasies.

She described to me this dream world she lived in where she worked right by Jon Nicholas’ side. DIFT majors would ask to take equipment out, and she would help him by organizing the stuff coming in and out. I couldn’t make sense of what led her to believe this. In fact, I asked her why a near-omnipotent being like Jon Nicholas would entrust a lowly first-year like her with the equipment he spends his life protecting. Her only response was, “Who you calling a lowly first-year?” So I walked away.

I had gotten nowhere. I was exhausted after my two interviews, and all I had gotten was the testimony of two loons. If this creature truly roamed Xavier’s campus, there had to be some trace of it somewhere.

He is credited on a recent documentary directed by Blis DeVault, the DIFT department chair, so perhaps she could be my next interview subject.

Actually though, I’m pretty sure she forgot my name. I don’t want to put her in that awkward situation where I start talking to her and she’s like, “Dang I completely forget this kid’s name,” so she has to call me “dude” or “man” whenever she wants to refer to me. So scratch that.

However, now that we have DeVault in mind I’m beginning to wonder if she could be the missing link. Here me out: DeVault couldn’t possibly run the DIFT program all on her own.

Have you seen the kids who take her major? Her job must be like wrangling cattle. But if she’s busy managing the academics of all these kids who just can’t handle a normal major, then how could she possibly have time to manage all the equipment and technology vital to the program?

Perhaps “Jon Nicholas” is a creation of DeVault’s, a Frankenstein-esque monster who does all the hard work for which she simply doesn’t have time. Perhaps it’s not even a creation, but a man who just enjoys helping out the program.

Just kidding, obviously, that makes absolutely no sense. A man who helps the DIFT program? Everyone knows film is a woman’s game.

So ultimately it seems Jon Nicholas will remain a mystery, very similar to Bigfoot. We may not be able to prove he exists, but we also can’t prove that he doesn’t. Like how the story of Bigfoot gives hope to hairy men all over the world, so does the story of Jon Nicholas give me hope.

I didn’t know what Xavier’s film program would be like with a funky name like DIFT, but what I’ve found is what really makes this program special is the people. DeVault has a real passion for the program, my teachers have been great and all my non-crazy classmates are pretty cool, too. This is a perfect environment to spawn a myth like that of Jon Nicholas: not just a beast who protects the film equipment like they’re his hatchlings, but also a kind soul who actually cares about the students he works with.

That’s why I have hope for my next four years in the DIFT program: Even the made-up staff members truly care.


By: Aidan Callahan | Staff Writer


Horoscopes

Aries: Though the familiar path might be the most comfortable, try to improve efficiency. Instead of walking in the rain through the academic mall, weave through connected buildings.

Taurus: Take some risks this week. Even if everything goes badly and you end up like the Vine kid who says, “Mothertrucker dude that hurt like a buttcheek on a stick,” you’ll laugh later.

Gemini: As part of Xavier’s community buckets of stress is a thing, but focus on the domestic stuff first. Like that leaky sink you’re calling Physical Plant about for the 123,129,837th time.

Cancer: Sorry to say that your week might be a little….cancerous. Be prepared to fall off schedule, and try your best to roll with the medication — er, punches.

Leo: Have the gnats finished hibernating yet? It may certainly feel like they’ll be a little more in your face than you like this week. The stars recommend an easy fix: pepper spray.

Virgo: You may not be the type to stand up for yourself, but be ready to. Take on the essence of the Vine guy who got jump-scared and cried, “Staaahp I coulda dropped my croissant!”

Libra: Don’t be surprised if you sleep for 16 hours, wake up and still feel sleepy. It’s still below zero somewhere, meaning it’s still hibernation time somewhere. Your professors will understand.

Scorpio: You’re at a tricky crossroad of spending time to help friends in need and doing all the things you yourself have to get done. Or you could curl up into the fetal position and do nothing.

Sagittarius: Pressure? Haha, what’s that? The crushing fear that you’ll mess things up and cave under the dozens of sets of eyes that are fixed on you and embarrass yourself forever? Naaaah…

Capricorn: Weird revelations might come this week that could change your way of thinking. Like, did you know that a female mantis eats the head of its male partner after intercourse?

Aquarius:  Sure winter is kinda gone and to quote Elsa, the cold never bothered you anyway, but don’t turn down a coat offered to you by a friend just because you don’t want to seem weak.

Pisces: Watch out for some bumps in friendships. Do your best to diffuse things if conversations remind you of the Vine that goes, “That’s my OpInIoN!!!!!”


This post was assembled by Features Editor Soondos Mulla-Ossman.