Faux-TOE -Op: Is water wet?
Is God real? The answer is obvious: maybe. But, there is a question that has far greater implications, a question that has perplexed the greatest minds of history, a question which most people agree we may never know: Is water wet?
The body of the average Xavier student is 70% water, so we decided to ask them what they thought about this controversial topic.
Aries: Fr. Graham is officially retiring and I understand that life may seem pointless now. Just remember there are other things in life to hold on to, like Fr. B.
Taurus: Always look your best in the Caf. You never know when the @xavierdining instagram page will start a livestream.
Gemini: Spring break is just around the corner, meaning you can take a break from being lazy at school by being lazy at home.
Cancer: When March Gladness people run up to you and try to get you to donate, don’t ignore them. That just invites them to try again. Tell them you hate charity; they’ll leave you alone for good.
Leo: The stars are concerned about how politically active you are. Apparently, they overheard you asking if Super Tuesday was some sort of lame superhero.
Virgo: Saturday was leap day, the day you will least experience in your entire life. In fact, you’ll only experience it once in your college career. And you spent it doing the same dumb stuff you do every Saturday.
Libra: You’ve been rather hard on yourself lately. Venus wants you to know you’ll never be as big of a scumbag as Mercury, who voted for Mike Bloomberg in the space primary.
Scorpio: For the rest of the week, you’ll be cursed with that awkward moment when you’re in an Alter class with multiple screens and you’re right in front of one of them, so whenever your professor plays something a bunch of people start staring at you.
Sagittarius: You can chill about the Coronavirus now, it seems everyone’s already moved on to “COVID19,” whatever that is. I’ll tell ya, these fads only last a week!
Capricorn: Shorts weather is finally upon us! Unless of course you’re one of those weirdos who has been wearing shorts all winter.
Aquarius: I know you want to convince Fr. Graham not to retire, but when that man makes a decision, he sticks by it. You’d sooner convince the HUB to book you a therapy session.
Pisces: You’ve been dressing in warm tones lately, which doesn’t compliment your skin’s red-based undertones. Yeah, I have no idea what this means either, but Jupiter is really into fashion and said this was super important for you to know.
Aquavocate (ah-KWA-voh-cate): One who feels accomplished after saving the 4,444th water bottle on the “save the earth” water fountains.
Compodreless (cuhm-PAH-dray-less): A sense of melancholy and woe that accompanies the loss of a single AirPod.
Pilluffle (pih-LUH-ful): When you can’t fall asleep so you shuffle through pillows in attempt to find just the right amount of fluff.
Jon Bonjourvi: A Frenchman who loves to sing “vivrant yur une prière.”