F*ck fall fashion
By Charlie Gstalder, Opinions & Editorials Editor
I lied about everything I said in A&E. I save my real opinions for the Back Page. So, from the man whose style choices prompted the “nipple rule,” Newswire’s one and only dress code criteria, I present: The Fall Fashion Guide
Pleated Pants
Pleated Pants are disgusting. It doesn’t matter who you are or what the occasion is, avoid pleated pants at all costs. They are never acceptable. Flat fronts are the way to go.
Straight Cut Pants
All my homies hate straight cut pants. We only wear skinny jeans here at the Back Page. If your pants aren’t inhibiting blood flow in your femoral artery, they’re too loose.
Sweats
Forget sweatpants and sweatshirts, wear a tuxedo to bed. Fleece is never okay. Dress for the job you just got home from, not the Netflix you’re about to watch. Comfort is a myth manufactured by Big Pajama.
Masks
COVID-19 is no joke. Masks are serious. Wear a mask. And when you do, make sure it’s a plain mask, designs on masks are tacky and gross. Only freaks wear masks with patterns or words.
Pockets
When was the last time you used your pockets? That’s right, never. No one has ever used pockets for anything. I say sew them shut. Carry things in your hands. The only exception I’ll make is for cargo pants and cargo shorts. Those are awesome.
Bags
Never wear a bag. In fact, avoid wearing backpacks whenever possible. Lug your items around in a wheelie suitcase like those salespeople did in the ‘90s. If you’re insistent on wearing a bag, it should say “Supreme” on it. It doesn’t even need to be from Supreme, just make sure the word “Supreme” is visible.
Rick Owens FW’16 Penis Cloak
The one “must have” item of the season is, without a doubt, the penis cloak. World renowned designer Rick Owens debuted the “penis cloak” in summer 2015 as commentary on the oversexualization of women in fashion. Composed of a long, shapeless, black robe with a hole cut to expose the wearer’s genitals, the penis cloak is perfect for apple picking, meeting your partner’s parents or the next OSI event!
Horoscopes
Aries: Don’t get chicken at the caf this week. It’s gonna be dry — drier than a conversation with someone from your Manresa group.
Taurus: You may think you were so tough standing up to your parents, but you’ll never have the guts of Claudia Conway. She took down a member of Trump’s cabinet, you just got your mom fired from Applebees.
Gemini: Don’t buy any food this week. Save it for a better cause — like bailing out your friend who blew all their money because they “knew” the Heat would win it all.
Cancer: You can’t always win, even if you deserve it. Consider how Chunk the Fat Bear lost Fat Bear Week. TELL ME this isn’t the fattest bear you’ve ever seen:
Leo: Play a lot of Steve this week. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, then, I’m sorry, you are a normie.
Virgo: If your mom hadn’t thrown out all your old Beanie Babies they would be worth over $100 grand today. Get back at her by not calling her this week.
Libra: Sports are dumb, but we all have that special someone we pretend to like them for. Pretend to care just a little extra this week.
Scorpio: Look, I get you’re mad you couldn’t play disc golf on the quad because they were holding a socially distant mass. But I still think it was a little rude to throw your frisbee at Father B’s head, even if you missed.
Sagittarius: Stop making jokes about the fly on Mike Pence’s head. That horse was beat the night it happened.
Capricorn: Screw spirit animals, the stars have revealed your spirit show: Saturday Night Live. This means you’re mildly popular but painfully mediocre.
Aquarius: Talk to someone new this week. Perhaps introduce yourself to that guy who always walks around campus with his hood up. Maybe you can ask him if he thinks it’s raining or if he’s just that edgy.
Pisces: This week, try to have the blissful ignorance of stock photo models. Those guys always look like they’re living in the moment.
Styletionary
by Tess Brewer, staff writer
Avant-Gardenic (AH-vahnt-GAR-den-ee/k/): style identified by dirt covered overalls, assorted seed packets and vehement veganism.
Pastement (Pay-st-ment): A toothpaste stain that you are able to convince others has a political meaning.
Ex: ” oh, this? No…see, that’s a hammer and THAT’S a sickle”
Punq (punk): Someone who, while very close to being a full punk, is unable to commit fully to the punk lifestyle due to their extreme allergy to black eyeshadow.
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