Police Notes
March 17, 12:47 a.m. — A student reported a robbery of a spot for the men’s basketball team in the 2019 March Madness tournament. Xavier Police has referred the matter to the president of the NCAA.
March 20, 7:20 a.m. — A student swore on their mother’s life that they had locked their car, but it had somehow still been broken into. Investigation revealed that not only were all the doors unlocked but also left wide open. The investigation is ongoing.
March 23, 2:17 p.m. — It was my brother’s 20th birthday. That is all.
March 24, 9:49 p.m. — Xavier Police and Norwood Police investigated a report of an unknown disturbance on the side of Cintas Center. The subject appeared to be a large pitcher of some kind full of red liquid who was yelling “Oh yeah!” while trying to smash into the wall. Xavier Police has referred the matter to the FBI.
March 25, 3:45 p.m. — Xavier Police assisted a stranded Lime scooter rider in the middle of Victory Parkway. The scooter rider was found to be driving with a suspended license and possessed a small amount of marijuana. The rider was sentenced to death.
March 31, 7:16 p.m. — An angry Xavier senior reported the theft of a newsstand to Xavier Police. An investigation is pending. Anyone with information about the missing newsstand can contact Ryan Kamb*tch.
April 1, 10:25 p.m. — A Hoff Dining employee reported the attempted theft of the so-called “secret formular” for the dessert cookies. Bikini Bottom Police are investigating.
April 20, 4:20 p.m. — Xavier Police will assist Residence Life with a room search in Brockman Hall. A small amount of marijuana and drug paraphenalia will be found. A fictious ID might be confiscated. The students will be referred to the code of conduct.
Note of the Week
“Turns out Brockman hasn’t burned down”
April 1, 6:09 p.m. — Xavier Police confirmed that Brockman Hall had not actually been burned down. This is in direct conflict with the 30+ fire alarm incidents that have happened throughout the past school year. Students remain suspicious of existence, and the Ghostbusters have been called in to make sure that Brockman and all its residents aren’t actually spooky ghosts.
Week in Review
- President Donald Trump shocked the nation when he uncharacteristically tweeted a tirade against the liberal media and Democrats, claiming they constantly attacked his character. The tweets also exalted his accomplishments in office, surprising supporters who had described him as an extremely humble leader who does everything possible to work with others (March 27).
- James Bond officially has a “severe alcohol use disorder,” according to a study in the Medical Journal of Australia. Throughout his career onscreen, Bond drank 109 times. In addition, he meets more than half of the American Psychiatric Association’s criteria for the disorder (March 28).
- The notorious Pizza ATM at Xavier University found itself in high demand at approximately 2 a.m. on a Saturday night. It’s speculated that partying and imbibements led to the sudden cravings for nuked pizza (March 30).
- Cincinnati drivers are prone to parking in the right-hand lane, according to a landmark U.S. Department of Transportation study. “It’s probably the most interesting phenomenon I’ve ever seen,” one researcher said. “We’ve already said we’re going to come back and look into it more. I can’t wait” (March 31).
No one assembled this post. It wrote itself.