By Dylan Paulson, Newswire Intern
The time is upon us. As the air gets colder and the scent of pumpkin spice lattes starts to fill the air, cobwebs start to come out and ghosts start to hang from house windows.
Spooky season is in its daybreak hours, and with that comes the desire to watch as many horror movies as possible. But maybe you’re a little different and you love the vibes of the Halloween season but are not a big fan of the modern day jump scare horror film.
Too often we spend our time shooting for the high budget horror films, and some lower-budget horror films get lost in the madness.
Well fear not, reader, because I have the perfect selection of horror movies for you. Watch if you dare.
#1 Llamageddon
Llamageddon (2015) is a thrilling tale about a llama from space who crash lands on earth and disrupts a group of college kids out on a farm cabin in the middle of nowhere, drinking and smoking as college kids do.
If that doesn’t sell the film to you, then perhaps you’d like to know that this movie contains some intense action. The space llama shoots lasers out of its eyes, and there is plenty of gore in the form of space llamas falling victim to assorted farm equipment. If that wasn’t scary enough, then would a man-llama laying an egg for an excruciating five minutes meet your spookiness criteria?
Llamageddon is a generational movie, but its glory gets swept under the rug by all these modern films with “good effects” and “story arcs.”
Truly, truly devastating.
#2 Thankskilling
So maybe space llamas and man-llamas laying eggs just don’t quite catch your fancy.
Then consider, if you will, the hit movie Thankskilling (2007).
Thankskilling is a movie that you’ll find your eyes glued to as you witness a group of college students driving out for a camping trip during their Thanksgiving break with plans to drink and have as much sex as humanly possible.
However, those plans are tragically interrupted by a demon turkey, who only appears once every so many Thanksgivings because of a curse laid on the land by a woman chased by that very same turkey at the original Thanksgiving.
This terrifying turkey tale follows the travesty of these college kids as they desperately try to survive with the turkey from hell chasing them down. If that doesn’t scream peak horror movie material, then I’m not quite sure what does.
#3 The VelociPastor
Now, if laser-eyed llamas and turkeys from hell don’t meet your standards for what you would consider a “good horror movie” then frankly, I wonder if there is any horror movie that could meet your standards.
But fear not, because if those first two movies didn’t stick with you, then I guarantee that this last one will.
Imagine for me a horror movie that has everything a person could want: dinosaurs, ninjas, prostitutes, priests and a diabolical plot to force the world into Christian help groups. Sounds like the description of the perfect horror movie, does it not?
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you The VelociPastor (2017).
The film is an account of one Father Doug’s self-discovery journey-turned-quest to save the world from diabolical Chinese ninjas, which leads him to find unlikely love with a prostitute despite the disapproval of his mentor, a Vietnam war veteran turned Catholic priest.
And no, none of that was exaggerated or invented.
The VelociPastor is one of the greatest movies ever conceived in the history of mankind, and yet no one has heard of it.
Truly despicable.