by Maci Taylor, Staff Writer
Xavier students: I am opening the door to the spiritual realm that many are too afraid to step into: the cold realization of… you becoming your parents.
Are you suspecting you might be leaning more towards older adulthood? Possibly catching yourself saying, “back in my day?” These are some common symptoms experienced by many people becoming their parents’:
- Enjoying Progressive commercials a little too much?
Trust me, laughing aggressively at the television in between your reruns of the Office, is not flattering. That 40-second Progressive commercial is humorous, but you should not be uncontrollably peeing your pants about its content at our age. Yes, it can be funny to imagine becoming your elders, but if you are mentioning those commercials in your personal life, I have some news for you. I suspect you have already caught the disease.
Some adults tend to take profile pictures uncomfortably close to their face as they age. This young man shows his youth with a well-executed profile picture. Show this to your parents as a measuring stick for good profile pictures.
- Wanting to spend the weekends golfing and grilling with your boys?
Have you been turning up the heat on the grill and cracking open a cold one after a long day of golfing? Signs point to contamination. Scheduling your weekends around golf is a bad sign, but grilling a variety of meats on top of that is detrimental to the development of this disease.
- Getting too comfortable talking about all this weather we are having?
Yes, we know Hurricane Helene was a big one. Yes, we know the grass and the trees are happy. And dear god yes, we know it’s raining cats and dogs. If you are running out of things to say to someone, resorting to the weather will NOT turn the conversation around. It will just make the person you are talking to think you
are much older than you are.
- Saying they don’t make songs like this anymore?
Okay fine, I am a victim of this too. Early 2000s and 2010s music just hits different. I miss the Katy Perry that doesn’t do vulgar dances at the VMA’s and the Taylor Swift concerts where I don’t have to sell my whole family for one ticket. Oh no, I’m catching the disease.
If you have any questions about how to avoid this very preventable fate, consult our local expert on countering elderly behaviors: Dr. Jerry Atrick.