by Maci Taylor, Staff Writer
On May 28, 2016 at the Cincinnati Zoo, a zookeeper was forced to shoot a gorilla after a 3-year-old boy accidentally fell into the enclosure. That gorilla’s name? Harambe. Why are we discussing Harambe almost nine years later? Because he is back.
About a week ago on Xavier University’s campus, there were sightings of a gorilla hiding in the bushes, walking around on the Yard and even habitating the Kuhlman elevator. Some may say that it is just a person in a Halloween costume. But, I say, “No,sir.” This has a deeper meaning than some silly Halloween costume. Harambe is contacting us.
Now, what are Harambe’s motives? Why is he reaching out to us after so long? Here are some of my opinions on why:
- Harambe is the new One Direction member
Harambe, you dirty dog! Taking Liam Payne’s death and using it for your own benefit? Despicable. Harambe: while I don’t doubt your musical talents, I am not sure how you would be able to gyrate your body like the other boys. Your dance moves would be limited to dabbing and flossing. Not very boy band-esque.
- Harambe running for president?
With the election just days away, I believe Harambe is looking to make a pass at becoming the 47th president of the United States. He would break records for being the most unopinionated president of all time. Yes, this could be because he doesn’t speak any English. But, Harambe’s spirit is full of peace and joy, which is why I doubt he would bring any divide to this already divided country. He has already taken a bullet for what he stands for, but it appears he is accompanied by Secret Service as he makes his way through campus. What a brave soul to even walk around in the open air. He is like incense. You can feel his presence in the air and under no circumstances can he be contained.
#Harambe2024
Newswire photo courtesy of Maci Taylor
The gorilla in question (left) accompanied by what appears to be his personal security guard (right).
- Jealous of Moo Deng?
Could Harambe be making a return after finding out he has been replaced by Moo Deng as the most beloved animal in a zoo? Could this be the revenge plot of the century? Harambe resurrecting from the dead would cause the world to freak out. But, I mean, how can you top a baby pygmy hippo that loves to sleep in her food bowl?
- Eras Tour Appearance
Is it possible Harambe’s coming back to make an Eras tour appearance at the Indianapolis shows? Taylor Swift has been known for huge on-stage surprises and letting Harambe ride on one of the bicycles during “Blank Space” might be the biggest on-stage surprise of the entire tour. This leads me to my next point: could he be trying to top Travis Kelce’s appearance and steal Taylor Swift’s heart away from him? Only time will tell.
- Surprise Podcast Guest
Talk Tuah has skyrocketed in the podcast world. Harambe could have noticed its recent success and wants to jump on the bandwagon. Harambe would have many things to discuss on the podcast including hair/fur care, beef with the Cincinnati zookeepers and how to maintain a juicy booty.