SATIRE
By Hannah Wolke, Digital Communications Manager
Xavier has been showing us that campus needs to be more woke.
I mean come on, the zipline on the yard was a good try but, we, the woke Xavier community, can do better. Think about it Xavier: are we truly flying above systemic issues, or just zipping past them?
Here are some examples of how to become more woke and intuitive with generation’s ideologies:
- Womanresa: Because MAN-resa Is So 2004
You have heard of Manresa, but now we need to have a more woke version to introduce our incoming classes to the wokeness of Xavier. Manresa, a bonding experience named after a place Ignatius of Loyola once visited, is outdated.
But why “Man”resa? Why not Womanresa? Or better yet, Nonbinarresa? Or Personresa?
Let’s break the binary and the tradition, because spiritual awakening shouldn’t be gender exclusive. Why does it have to be about just men? Women and they/thems are probably the most woke people you can get.
Let’s normalize everyone more often, Xavier. Let’s normalize all gender centered orientation, complete with Beyoncé listening circles, intersectional vision boards and group readings of Lorde’s Supercut under solar-powered fairy lights.
2. Jesuit Values
“Cura personalis”? Cool. But what about? The Catholic Church is already branching out, so shall Xavier. Here’s what we came up with:
– Cura intersectionalis: Care for the “whole identity”, not just the person.
– Reflection: Why stop at considering the world around us when we can also reflect on the colonial construction of mirrors? Real woke reflection means unlearning Eurocentric worldviews while holding your favorite crystal and journaling in a reclaimed Moleskine.
– Discernment —> Discernment + Decolonization
– Solidarity and Kinship -> Slay-lidarity and Kinship Goals: Walking with others? Good. But walking with others in matching ethical fits from Black-owned brands? Better. Solidarity now means listening, learning and sliding into DMs with resources, not opinions. Let’s replace sympathy with Venmo requests and kinship with community care Vines.
We’re not saying rewrite Ignatian spirituality, we’re saying remix it. Xavier 2.0: now with more drag queen brunches and fewer microaggressions.
3. Condom Machines (Like Miami Oxford has)
Let’s talk about it Xavier. We love Jesuit values. We love cura personalis. But you know what else is personal? Sexual health.
Miami University (yeah, Oxford) has condom machines. And what do we have? Vague posters about “safe choices” and nothing else. That’s not woke. That’s just passive-aggressive abstinence.
We need sleek, inclusive, consent-forward condom machines. Not in the shadows. Front and center. Next to vending machines, in the Pizza ATM and maybe even inside the Alter basement— nothing says “men and women for others” like safe sex access in sacred spaces.
Even Blue Blob is excited at the prospect of condom vending machines on campus.
But let’s not stop at just condoms. Think lube in sustainable sachets. We already have free tampon and pad dispensers that are organic, queer-positive and don’t cost your last dining dollar. But think about it, Plan B with a built-in QR code that opens a playlist of affirmations from queer midwives and sex-positive theologians.
Sex is sacred, yes. But so is choice, agency and latex that doesn’t smell like a tire fire. Let’s not pretend like students aren’t already doing it. Let’s make sure they’re doing it woke.
4. Mirror Checks for Late Stage Capitalism
You know how every dorm and bathroom has a mirror? Cute, right? Wrong.
Missed opportunity. Each mirror on campus should be more than a surface for thirst traps and checking your new fit from Kenwood Mall. It should be a portal for internalized capitalism confrontation.
We propose Reflection Stations — mirrors embedded with questions that challenge complicity and consumerism. Questions like:
– “Did you need that Amazon Prime order?”
– “Have you gentrified something today?”
– “Is that outfit ethically sourced or just ‘aesthetic’?”
– “When was the last time you unionized your group project?”
There are so many different considerations for supporting consumerism in a new woke way.
These aren’t just mirrors. These are anti-capitalist accountability panels.
And for maximum reflection: LED borders powered by solar panels, with built-in QR codes that lead to free PDFs of bell hooks, Angela Davis, and a 24/7 livestream of Greta Thunberg staring into the camera with deep, disappointed Gen Z energy.
Bonus points if the mirror is haunted — not by ghosts, but by the unpaid labor behind your $6 iced oat milk latte.
These four investments make Xavier more woke. If there are any more requests, we will satirically take them in for figurative and literal consideration.