SATIRE
By Owen Gorsuch, Staff Writer
Earlier this month, the Kentucky House of Representatives and Senate passed Senate Joint Resolution 139, a bill renaming a portion of Kentucky Route 18 near Florence, KY. as “The Charlie Kirk Memorial Highway.”
I am unsure of the motivation behind naming a state highway after a man whose claims to fame are standing under a tent saying “Prove Me Wrong.” In addition, the conspiracy theories surrounding his death makes JFK’s assassination look like a solved case. Inspired by the Kentucky Legislature, I will carry the flame and give suggestions for new highway names.
The OJ Simpson highway is lined exclusively with white Broncos and hand accessory shops.
First, we move from one totally uncontroversial American to another, as I propose renaming the Artesia Freeway in Los Angeles to the OJ Simpson Memorial Freeway. OJ made his mark by being a part of the slowest police chase in history. While OJ Simpson passed away not knowing who committed the crime, this stretch of road will honor him by providing motorists in need of black gloves with free police escorts.
Tiger Woods has gone through a roller coaster of mug shots, but this most recent one features his newest tattoo! So relevant and stylish!
This next road honors one of golf’s best drivers — on the golf course, not the road — Tiger Woods. I propose renaming County Road 707 in Jupiter Island, Fla. to Tiger Woods Drive. Along Tiger Woods Drive you can find people saying they were “talking to the president,” an Escalade that hit a tree and multiple dispensaries lining the highway.
For a Cincinnati area road name change, the Corry Boulevard outside of Fifth Third Arena should be renamed Wes Miller Boulevard; in honor of one of the greatest University of Cincinnati coaches in Crosstown Shootout history. Under Miller’s tenure, Xavier won four of the last five Crosstown Shootouts and helped the Musketeers to their fifth win in a row against the Bearcats in 2023.
Along Wes Miller Boulevard you can find salty Bearcats fans attempting to taunt Xavier fans by saying “Zero Final Fours!” despite Cincinnati and Xavier having the same amount of Final Fours since the breakup of Yugoslavia.
To Wes Miller’s credit, at least he never promised his school a Final Four before ditching his fans for Texas three years later, unlike a certain other coach named Miller…
Lastly, moving from one little brother school in red to another, we arrive in Columbus, Ohio, home of the only university that attempted to trademark a definite article. Ohio State University has made it their mission to create a cult-like environment over their academics and football team.
So, it makes sense to rename the road that passes its campus, Olentangy Freeway, the Les Wexner Memorial Freeway in honor of the $200 million he has donated to the school.
The route number should be changed from 315 to 2 in honor of the two peas in a pod: Les and Jeffery. Their love is unbreakable and needs to be spread to the local transportation systems.
I hope these name suggestions serve as a turning point towards smarter road name decision making.