SATIRE
By Marta Vallejo, Staff Writer
Hey you — yes you. I need your help.
Yes, I can see you are running late to a class, but I really need you to help me out. My RA is checking my room in an hour and I need to get rid of some stuff so I don’t get caught. Would you be able to help me? Please?
Great! You won’t regret it.
…
Now, it’s not as bad if you take off your glasses, seal your nose and put giant earmuffs on. I’ve just had it kind of rough the last few weeks, you know? I promise we’ll be done soon.
First, I need you to grab this trash bag and hold it open, I need to throw some full cans and bottles in there. Oh they’re not going in the trash, don’t worry, I can’t just waste them. I’m going to hide them in my friend’s room until the check is over. What’s “spiked watermelon”? Oh it’s just fruit punch, don’t worry about it!
Next, I need another bag and I need you to lend me some laundry detergent. I may or may not have run out of Tide Pods about two months ago and desperately need clean clothes. It’ll just take about an hour and a half to get the laundry done and we can work on other stuff in the meantime.
Thank you! I appreciate it so much.
Apart from that, let’s see what else there is. Okay, I need another — yep, a trash bag! You know me so well already! I feel like we’re best friends! Maybe we could even be roommates next year! My last one left after two days of sharing the room. No idea why, I felt like I was really nice.
Anyway, we need to throw away some food. I just never got around to this stuff, which is a real shame. I mean I would eat it all so as to not waste any of it, but I don’t really want to end up in the bathroom again.
Is that mold? Nah, I think it’s just a piece of fur from my blanket. Oh okay — I think that one IS in fact mold. Well, it happens to everybody!
Now, do you think they’d let me keep this sign? I found it when walking along Wasson Way, I think it fell off the highway or something. Either way, I thought it was cool and brought it over.
No? Are you sure? Dang it man! I’ll just hide it in my friend’s room alongside the alcohol — I mean, energy drinks.
RA will be shocked to see your beer can pyramid, lit candles and … gasp! Is that… a life size cut out of Tre Carroll (Rest in Peace) with suspicious stains??
Okay, now I need you to stay calm for this next one. I may or may not have snuck in my pet rat, Mr. SquishyFartBoy, during Manresa, but I swear he’s clean and well-behaved! Do you want to pet him?
No? He’s dirty and disgusting? Well that’s just rude! He has feelings you know! I mean how would YOU feel if someone called you disgusting and ugly and—
*knock*
Oh no, my RA is here! Quick, hide the bag in the closet!
…
Oh.
There’s already someone in there.