Government Gets Going on Generously Generating Great Groups (GGGoGGG)

By Luca Filigenzi, Local News Editor

With the announcement of Trump’s new Department Of Government Efficiency (DOGE for short), the floodgates have opened. The upcoming administration has continued its efforts to create new, niche departments in an effort to aid the American people. Here are just a few of the many highlights:

Firstly, Trump has announced the new Department Involving Lovely Furniture (DILF). The main purpose of this Department will be to ensure American interests in the vast field of furniture. Tag rippers are expected to be sentenced en masse come January, with sentences likely ranging from 10 to 15 years in federal supermax prison. Trump has tagged Mike Lindell, aka the MyPillow guy, as secretary of the DILF.

“I give my word.” Lindell said. “I will not rest until every bed in this great land of ours is left unfettered and every pillow is like a warm rock you can rest your patriotic head on,” he continued.

Perhaps the department that has been gaining the most attention online is the much anticipated Department of Online Warfare and Interfaced Organization (DOWIO). Its main goals will be “Finding Taliban servers on games such as Minecraft and Valorant and provoking them to rage, and therefore rash judgment and error,” said upcoming secretary Daron Jason Watkins Jr. (aka popular streamer, IShowSpeed). The Trump administration will consult numerous platforms including YouTube and Twitch to fill its ranks.

Secondly, the new Department of Archeological Exploration has begun its organizational phases. The main purposes of the department will be, according to their website, to raid pharaohs’ tombs, fight monsters and solve ancient runes. 

Trump has selected Harrison Ford, the actor who played Indiana Jones, as the Secretary of the Department, who, upon hearing this, asked for the reporter to repeat the question 14 times, then fell asleep standing up.

 “We love video games, love them, did you see Baldur’s Gate 3? I loved Wyll the Blade of Frontiers, good people,” Trump said.

Lastly, Trump announced a new department that he believes will “blow America’s collective socks off.” That being the Department of Partying Down (DOPD). It aims to introduce funk to the bureaucratic stagnation of our federal government. A Secretary has not been announced yet, but there is speculation of Mitch “the Mover” McConnell, Senator Chuck ‘Chug’ Grassley and that famous ball of energy, Mark Zuckerberg; All three are absolute pillars of the partying scene. 

The first task of this administration, Trump claimed, will be “an ultimate birthday bash in the Summer of 2025.” He continued, “there will be a donut machine, a fondue fountain, and at the end of the night— a Ferrari Cake.”

These four departments represent 2% of the upcoming additions to the federal government planned by the Trump administration, with theories about new departments that could be added during the next four years. 

“We are thinking of adding a Shark Tank-type thing where citizens will get to pitch new departments. We believe every citizen has the right to billions in administration funds. Also— does anybody know where DILF is keeping the couches?” said Vice President-Elect, JD Vance.

Lines are already forming out the White House doors for citizens who are anxious to make their case in front of the President. In what would be an unprecedented move, reports are surfacing that RFK Jr., as the first motion of his tenure as Secretary of Health and Human Services, desires to crack down on allergens in America’s food by creating an arm of government that will last just one month: No Nut November (NNN).