SATIRE
By Maci Taylor, Back Page Editor
The new College of Osteopathic Medicine building has been making great strides as construction plans are set to wrap up towards the end of 2026. Students have witnessed the growth of this project, watching it evolve from an ugly dirt pit into a massive structure that will help shape the future of medicine.
Yet, through these structural accomplishments, Xavier has omitted to share the TRUTH about the land they are building on. If we travel back in time to 1990, that land was home to a facility owned by Basf Corporation, which is recognized as the world’s largest chemical producer.
On July 19th, 1990, an employee was cleaning a chemical reactor with a flammable mixture of solvents when the reactor burst and created an enormous explosion. Three individuals died and 40 others were injured in the blast.
Before the new medical building construction, the ghosts of Basf freely roamed the property, lying in wait for an unexpecting first-year to cross their path and subsequently, fall under their control. Most of the possessions occurred on Friday nights after the first-years sorrowfully sauntered back to campus after getting their fake IDs taken at Dana Gardens.
Now, with the addition of the new building, the ghosts are going to have to become more creative with how they haunt.
The Basf ghosts prefer tormenting first years over President Hancyz, as they were disappointed to find her office already haunted by the ghost that was our good WiFi.
At first, when President Hancyz proposed the new building at a press conference, the ghosts were enraged at the proposition and attempted to possess her, only to realize that they cannot inhabit someone who is already possessed.
However, the ghosts have now realized, this building might be a blessing in disguise. They can now occupy classrooms, elevators and bathrooms and manipulate the future of healthcare.
In the classrooms, they will have the cadavers or those poor animals the students are dissecting come back to life to have a meaningful conversation about how they were treated. If these new medical students are anything like our current nursing students, the ghosts will insist that they brush up on their patient-center techniques and well, basic kindness.
Don’t worry folks, Blue Blob suffered an easy, painless death. Tre Carroll slipped him some poison in his Muskie Lager and he quickly fell into an eternal sleep.
In the elevator, they will hijack the controls and send you flying up and down the floors uncontrollably. Once you think you have had enough, the ghosts will open the hatch on top of the elevator and throw a decapitated Blue Blob costume stained with blood into the elevator to show you that they mean business.
Maybe they will just simply stop the elevator between floors and force Norwood Fire Department to come out to campus AGAIN to rescue another student.
In the bathrooms, they will write spooky messages like, “Another one hit wonder was booked for Xavier Fest…,” or “The Physical Plant still has not turned on the AC…,” or, “The high school robotics teams are in the Caf right now…” Chilling.
As the construction continues, the spirits of Basf are present as ever and eagerly anticipating the completion of the project to start the possession-fueled mayhem. These incoming medical students have no idea what lurks in the shadows and are blissfully unaware that beyond lab coats and stethoscopes, something darker and unsettling impatiently waits for their arrival.