SATIRE
By Audrey Elwood, Columnist
MAYDAY MAYDAY HOT GIRL DOWN! Megan Thee Stallion has been cheated on by old-a**-dusty-washed-up-down-right-nasty Klay Thompson. Yes, the baddest of all time has fallen victim to being cheated on by a man she was doing charity work for.
After cheating on Megan Thee Stallion, Klay Thompson must adorn an “A” scarlet letter against his chest during every basketball game.
This is the worst attack the United States has ever seen, even worse than when Katy Perry got a pixie cut. As retribution, the Dallas Mavericks will now be forced to give Cooper Flagg to the Houston Rockets and Mark Cuban must publicly recite WAP in place of the national anthem.
Megan is on to bigger and brighter men than Thompson. This summer will be the revival to end all revivals: Hot Girl Summer is back baby. The streets will be filled with joy, hope and Don Julio. We can all sleep safely, knowing the streets are safe with the Hot Girls of the world.
An important affirmation for this summer: “You know good girls who stay inside get cheated on.” Be outside and be safe with your heart young ho. Cheat on him first.
She will finish her stay at Moulin Rouge, with the announcement of her new jukebox musical “Driving a Stake into my Heart: the Tiger Woods Story.” God’s drunkest driver, on and off the green, Tiger Woods, is going to get his own Megan Thee Stallion Musical. Really, there is no better artist than Megan for this.
His meteoric rise to success will be “Big Ole Freak,” “Thot Shit” will be his cheating scandal and finally, in line with Woods’ drink of choice, his drunk driving scenes will be to “Cognac Queen.” The cast is star-studded with RuPaul playing Donald Trump, Katseye playing the golf clubs and Adrian Brody as Tiger Woods.
Megan Thee Stallion, a near perfect specimen, was cheated on by a man who was carried by Stephen Curry through all of their championship runs. Maybe Klay found comfort again in Steph’s arms…
Rumors are that Thompson is finishing his degree at Washington State, but has changed his major to clowning. While he has plenty of real-world experience in this field, the degree will open some very tiny car doors for him. The only thing he will be honking for a long time is a very sad horn. In fact, he is thinking about minoring in sad clown, but realized he already had all the credits for it, so why not tack it on.
While this is a sad situation for all involved, we can look on the bright side— at least she didn’t have a kid with him. Megan did not pull a Latto on them; she can be free as a bird. Megan will always be mother, but is not a baby mama. God bless.