SATIRE
By Audrey Elwood, Chief Columnist
Michigan came off of one of their best wins last week and they did it using their super-secret method: paying the Big 10 referees.
Your college football team can finally win a natty, you just have to cheat a little. Just ask Michigan! The new NCAA ruling on eligibility bends the rules a little bit, and now that eligibility has been extended, anyone is on the table. Here are Newswire’s picks on how to save your dying franchise.
Texas A&M: Johnny Football is back baby, just slightly fatter.
No quarterback could ever live up to the hype and aura of prime Texas A&M Johnny Manziel, not even Johnny Manziel himself. Hungover? He performed better. High on bag? He performed better. With a healthy and regimented routine, he failed. A college athlete for the ages. Alongside his one-year contract, he will finally get all that NIL money from Morgan and Morgan. DUI’s don’t bust themselves.
USC: The Juice is on the loose, from hell
OJ Simpson, who definitely DID not do that thing you are thinking of, is returning to the Trojans. Just like a Trojan horse, he will be concealing his identity as a freshman from San Diego named Bronco White. You may be asking yourself, didn’t OJ Simpson die? Well, that’s what the mainstream liberal media wants you to think. In reality, he has been on Little Saint James partying it up with none other than Aaron Hernandez at the CTE Club. However, he may be a little out of breath, he hasn’t been doing much running, other than running from consequences and jail time.
LSU: Livvy Dunne
Out of respect for Jayden Daniels, Dunne will be entering her sixth year of eligibility. You may be doubting Livvy Dunne’s career as a football player, however, Lane Kiffin himself has scouted her. After a 300 day snap streak, she has finally committed to come back to the Tigers on their special teams. In fact, there is a new Vuori x Livvy Dunne x LSU collection, and everyone is anticipating the 350 pound linebacker in tight leggings, which could make even the head coach go celibate.
No matter what, your team will suck. Nobody is ever happy in college football, especially not the people with good teams. It’s as guaranteed as death and taxes to hear an Ohio State fan say fire Ryan Day with a 12-2 record. Remember, Xavier has the best record in college football, undefeated since 1973. So laugh at the other teams, because when college basketball season comes around, nothing will be funny.