SATIRE
By Joe Reardon, Staff Writer
After watching Australian HYROX athlete Joanna Wietrzyk win a race while suffering from severe diarrhea, Xavier’s track and swimming teams have decided they may have been approaching athletics all wrong.
Starting this week, both teams will begin incorporating intentional gastrointestinal distress into their training in an effort to gain a competitive advantage. Coaches say the strategy could revolutionize college athletics.
“I’ve spent years worrying about things like strength, endurance, technique, hydration, nutrition and recovery. Then I watched this woman sh*t herself, and frankly, I felt pretty stupid,” one Xavier track athlete, who asked not to be named, said.
Wietrzyk made international headlines after competing in a HYROX event in Beijing while suffering from fecal incontinence. Despite leaving a trail of diarrhea across portions of the course and reportedly causingseveral athletes to fall, she finished first. Xavier coaches believe the incident demonstrated that gastrointestinal distress does not have to be an obstacle to victory but could instead be an advantage.
The track team has already begun experimenting with what coaches are calling the HYROX-Pooper Strategy. The strategy involves eating something questionable before a race, waiting for the worst possible moment and then refusing to stop.
“It’s psychological warfare. Nobody wants to run behind that, nobody wants to pass you and nobody wants to share a lane with you,” one Xavier runner said.
The swimming team has taken the concept even further. While swimmers have traditionally focused on technique, strength and reducing drag, Xavier swimmers are now investigating whether diarrhea could create a localized current and help propel them through the water.
“People have spent decades trying to make swimsuits more aerodynamic. We’re asking a more important question: What if fluids themselves could propel you?” one swimmer said.
The strategy has already influenced Xavier’s recruiting priorities. Rather than looking exclusively for athletes with fast times and impressive resumes, coaches are reportedly asking prospective runners whether they have “a history of gastrointestinal resilience.” One recruiting document allegedly lists “explosive finishing ability” as a preferred characteristic, although the university insists the phrase refers exclusively to sprinting ability.
Not everyone is convinced that the strategy is appropriate. Some athletes argue that intentionally defecating during competition would be unfair to competitors who did not consent to participating in what one runner described as “a biohazardous obstacle course.” Others believe the criticism misses the point, arguing that sports are fundamentally about pushing the human body beyond its limits.
Pedialyte ensures that your bowels will empty at the right time during your meet. It creates a spray like no other!
Medical professionals have also warned that deliberately causing diarrhea could lead to dehydration and other health complications. Xavier athletes insist they are taking those concerns seriously and have reportedly added electrolyte drinks to their training regimen.
“We’re staying hydrated,” one runner said when asked about the risks, before clarifying that the team has recently switched from Gatorade to Pedialyte.
Results from the first week of training have been mixed. The track team has recorded several personal bests, although coaches acknowledge that some athletes may simply have been running faster because they desperately needed to reach a bathroom. Meanwhile, the swim team was forced to end one practice early after teammates complained that they could no longer see the bottom of the pool.
Despite these setbacks, Xavier coaches remain optimistic about the future.
“Every great athletic innovation looks ridiculous at first. People laughed at the Fosbury Flop, people laughed at aerodynamic cycling helmets and people laughed when we said we’d weaponize diarrhea,” one coachsaid while standing beside a bucket of industrial-strength disinfectant.
At press time, Xavier’s athletics department had reportedly ordered a Costco pallet worth of MiraLAX, three industrial fans and a lifetime supply of disinfectants. The swimming team is also considering replacing its traditional pre-meet pasta dinner with gas station sushi.