SATIRE
By Joe Reardon, Staff Writer
Sean “Diddy” Combs has reportedly broken into the prison wellness market with a new massage business featuring an extensive baby oil inventory. The venture, Bad Boy Bodyworks, was developed with the assistance of Cleveland Browns quarterback DeShaun Watson, who recently got outplayed by Geno Smith and the New York Jets.
The business offers inmates therapeutic massages, premium grooming packages and personalized “consultations.” Diddy believes the venture could become a leading provider of correctional “wellness” services.
Baby oil reportedly occupies a prominent position in the company’s budget. A purchasing document calls for a supply sufficient to accommodate projected demand and unexpected increases in customer volume. The document does not specify how much oil the business expects to use or why its projected inventory exceeds its anticipated supply of towels.
The company’s board of directors, which includes Bill Cosby, R. Kelly and Harvey Weinstein, approved a preliminary budget, although members remain divided over whether baby oil should be classified as a medical supply, an operating expense or a long-term strategic investment.
Watson, who belongs in prison, has been named “Director of Happy Endings.” His responsibilities include employee training and customer relations.
The job description emphasizes the importance of consent, professional boundaries and obtaining permission before touching clients. The company has not explained whether Watson, who makes Russian roulette seem like a reasonable alternative to an afternoon in his company, would teach these concepts himself or simply read them aloud from a prepared script.
Watson is currently working hard to create a baby oil that cures a franchise of all its woes. He’s calling it the “I’m Innocent” oil with scents of lavender and disapproval.
Bad Boy Bodyworks plans to introduce a mandatory training program for employees, with sessions covering “customer communication.”
Watson, who gets booed by his own team’s fans, reportedly oversees the curriculum. The arrangement has raised questions about whether the company’s human resources department understands the difference between professional experience and a cautionary example.
One proposed seminar, titled “The Importance of Listening to Your Clients,” remains under review. A second session, “Does No Mean No?” has been approved for development but has not been assigned an instructor.
The board has also proposed a reputation management course. Watson, who has a worse reputation than a maggot-infested rat dragging itself through a landfill during a cholera outbreak, has been asked to serve as the course’s first case study.
The company said its training program reflects current industry “standards.”
The business offers three packages: a 10-minute basic massage, a 15-minute “premium session” and an executive package featuring a complimentary towel and a music consultation with Diddy.
All three packages use the same treatment room.
The company has not established prices. Customers may be asked to pay in commissary credits or instant noodles.
Watson, who needs to start looking for a new job once his contract with the Browns expires, has not had his compensation disclosed. The employment contract reportedly includes a performance review after 90 days, during which management would evaluate his customer service, professional conduct and ability to follow instructions.
Despite announcing its opening, Bad Boy Bodyworks faces several obstacles, including final prison authorization, supply restrictions and the need to establish appropriate hygiene procedures.
Watson, who makes his PR team cry themselves to sleep every night, has not commented on the venture.
A draft mission statement describes Bad Boy Bodyworks as “committed to wellness, accountability and professional excellence.” The company has not explained whether accountability is included in the basic package or costs extra.