SATIRE
By Audrey Elwood, Chief Columnist
Your QB is injured, your season is cooked, why have so many quarterbacks gotten injured? Unfortunately, all the fat good ole midwestern boys are now on Ozempic, and no longer offensive lineman. Lets see what the boys in the blue stretchers are doing.
Dart is entering the popehood as his second career after his knee and his boyfriend Skattebo failed him.
Jaxson Dart: White boy wasted finna hit the knee surgery
With a name like Jaxson Dart, he was made to be a pro football player, or a guy with a stripper girlfriend named Methany Crystal, no in between. In fact, Jaxson is a unique-clay Utah spelling of Jackson, and Jaxson is from the epicenter of white culture, Kaysville, Utah.
Now with him being out for the season, he has time to do every white, young, Mormon boy’s calling, convert people in the global south to his religion. He will be serving in El Salvador on a Spanish speaking mission, passing out bottles of blonde hair dye and crippling 700-calorie soda addictions.
Caleb Williams: Faking it better than your girlfriend
After being carted away on a stretcher, many NFL stars never return back to the field. Crying and throwing up a fist, it is never more over when that happens. Except if you are Caleb Williams and are returning to the field in an estimated two weeks. Williams was pumping fist like a guy on the Jersey shore in 2009.
Williams will be back soon, but during this time he will be going to a matcha artistry class. As the most performative QB in the NFL, he really needs to catch up on his bell hooks book club, or he might just lose that title to Joe “I love rocks and tiny sunglasses” Burrow. His aura has been demolished and so has his small hammy.
Jayden Daniels: Man up and grab life by the wenis
Jayden Daniels has gone down with an elbow injury, the same type that prevented so many boys on your high school JV team from going pro. He was gonna be out for five weeks, but God intervened and miraculously he will be back in week four, for respect.
After the Commanders beat the Seahawks, they have officially become the real Washington. Now, Daniels is coming out with a signature Dutch Bros drink, will exclusively wear Patagonia vests and Birkenstocks and has come out with a “passive aggressive” passing strategy to mimic the Seattle Freeze. If you can beat them, maybe you can finally join them at being a good team.