“We, the Copy Editors of the Xavier Newswire, present you with our list of demands; These are unabridged, mutinous, and completely in support of the Oxford Comma.”
- Pension for graduate students
- Pneumatic tube (Shoop!)
- Turtle
- Turtle tunnel (Like for a hamster, but for a turtle)
- Window
- Tunnel to Kevin’s office
- Healthcare would be cool
- Vision!! (Copy editing strains your eyes)
- Dental! (OK, so some of us chew on our pens! So what?)
- More workplace hazards
- Allowed to go outside (even just for our government-sanctioned walk)
- Snaaaacks
- Lunch break
- Quarter zips
- Unionization
- A better doorstop??
- Permanent copy editor room
- Casual Fridays
- Taco Tuesdays
- More ‘find your peace’ notebooks
- Provided supplies and colored fountain pens
- Wallpaper
- Hugs for Alex
- Hugs in general
- Blanket chest full of fluffy blankets
- Communal blankets
- Personalized nap pods
- Coffee machine (water feature?)
- Plants and zen garden
- Fully stocked wet bar
- John Mulaney on retainer
- Dedicated sports copy editor
- Imported scabs for verbal abuse
- Laptop chargers
- Power strip
- Extra pay for cutting and rewriting
- Overtime pay
- Black raspberry chocolate chip ice cream from Graeter’s
- A mini fridge and a microwave
- Demand to be taken seriously.
- AUTONOMY!
- Better posters (hang in there??)
- Get Kevin ordained
- The Oxford comma
- AP is a bunch of fascists
- Twitter or office-style documentary crew (Jim Halpert look)
- Unlimited Gardettos
- Minimum wage
*These demands were written and endorsed by the copy editors pictured and two more editors, even though one of them refuses to respond.