“We, the Copy Editors of the Xavier Newswire, present you with our list of demands; These are unabridged, mutinous, and completely in support of the Oxford Comma.”

• Pension for graduate students
• Pneumatic tube (Shoop!)
• Turtle
• Turtle tunnel (Like for a hamster, but for a turtle)
• Window
• Tunnel to Kevin’s office
• Healthcare would be cool
• Vision!! (Copy editing strains your eyes) 
• Dental! (OK, so some of us chew on our pens! So what?)
• More workplace hazards
• Allowed to go outside (even just for our government-sanctioned walk) 
• Snaaaacks
• Lunch break
• Quarter zips
• Unionization
• A better doorstop??
• Permanent copy editor room
• Casual Fridays
• Taco Tuesdays
• More ‘find your peace’ notebooks
• Provided supplies and colored fountain pens
• Wallpaper
• Hugs for Alex
• Hugs in general
• Blanket chest full of fluffy blankets
• Communal blankets
• Personalized nap pods
• Coffee machine (water feature?)
• Plants and zen garden
• Fully stocked wet bar
• John Mulaney on retainer
• Dedicated sports copy editor
• Imported scabs for verbal abuse
• Laptop chargers
• Power strip
• Extra pay for cutting and rewriting
• Overtime pay
• Black raspberry chocolate chip ice cream from Graeter’s
• A mini fridge and a microwave
• Demand to be taken seriously. 
• AUTONOMY!
• Better posters (hang in there??)
• Get Kevin ordained
• The Oxford comma
• AP is a bunch of fascists
• Twitter or office-style documentary crew (Jim Halpert look)
• Unlimited Gardettos
• Minimum wage

*These demands were written and endorsed by the copy editors pictured and two more editors, even though one of them refuses to respond.