The Lighter Side: 1/28/21

Adobe pirates, wine flights, bigfoot licensure, n-ass-al swabs

Railway systems in Northern China shut down for several hours after company officials forgot to update Adobe Flash on the system’s computer. Railroad officials finally fixed the error by downloading a pirated version of the now-unavailable software (Jan. 17). 

The Central Intelligence Agency has begun declassifying documents about UFOs, per a stipulation in the latest COVID-19 relief bill (Jan. 21). 

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A rider in the COVID-19 relief bill forces the CIA to declassify UFO info.

An Ontario barbershop opened its doors despite pandemic restrictions barring salon openings after registering itself as a film studio. For $37, customers can get a haircut while “auditioning” for an undetermined film project (Jan. 21). 

In a real life Black Mirror moment, Microsoft patented a new technology that could use information about a deceased person to create a memorial artificial intelligence chatbot (Jan. 22). 

American Airlines, which has not been able to sell alcohol on flights due to COVID-19 precautions, has started a wine delivery service for the surplus. Customers can purchase one bottle or a curated box for $99 per month (Jan. 22). 

Researchers in Taiwan have discovered the lair of an ancient six-foot long sea worm. Theorists propose the worm would burrow under the sea floor and prey on the creatures above (Jan. 22). 

An Oklahoma lawmaker is fighting for a bill to establish a Bigfoot hunting season. Social media commenters from the state have called the idea “plumb dumb” (Jan. 22). 

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Oklahoma residents grow concerned about the safety of the Sasquatch.

A Nashville lawyer had license suspended after advising a woman on Facebook with detailed instructions on how to make a murder look like self-defense (Jan. 23).

Health officials in Beijing have announced that they will begin using anal swabs to test some individuals for COVID-19 (Jan. 23). 

Russian protestors criticizing their government’s arrest of opposition leader Alexei Navalny were arrested en masse after pelting police officers with snowballs (Jan. 23). 

Tennessee police are searching for the thief who stole a large statue of the Dr. Seuss character the Cat in the Hat. Officers say that the literary likeness is valued at $2,500 (Jan. 25). 

A hotel in British Columbia has announced a promotion encouraging parents to procreate in their suites. If a couple conceives at the inn, they receive free lodging for the next 18 years (Jan. 26).