Satirical opinion: why single people suck

It’s getting close to Valentine’s Day, and as a person in an awesome relationship, I’m here to share my opinion on single people. First and foremost: they suck. Why, you ask? Why do single people suck? Well even though I can’t remember what it’s like to be lonely, I will draw from experience to explain why single people suck so much.

I’ll begin with the holidays, a.k.a cuffing seasons, a.k.a when the ravenous beasts emerge from their nests in desperation to find a mate. Fake holidays such as “galentines” or calling hangouts with friends “dates” stem from single-sickness. Forming gangs, cringey replications of what someone like me gets to enjoy, are enacted every season like a holiday ritual attempting to summon men,women or whoever will “cuff” the singles. It’s all a hoax to make themselves feel better.

Speaking of which, let’s move onto Instagram posts. Single people always have the “I love myself,” “single pringle” or “forever alone lol” captions written in their bios. It’s an immediate flag for single-ness that can be caught a mile away. Yes, I’m sure you love yourself Jessica, but you’re not in a relationship so…try harder. And please, stop sending yourself flowers or candy. 

Arguably, the couples who talk nonstop about themselves are more tolerable than constant spams on Snapchat about being “a bad b who doesn’t need anyone” in contrast to yesterday’s “I’m so hot please let me be your gf,”especially if that single person is the type who brings other people down through comparison. You know them: wondering aloud why those who are “uglier” are in a relationship before them. Well, Susan, maybe that’s because you need to work on yourself first, or stop rejecting advances from anyone who doesn’t look like Harry Styles. If you’re single, should you really be picky? Something to think about.

 For my next point, I’d like to focus on the amount of free time single people have. Without dedication to another person, the impending, damning realization of how lonely one is is imminent. And then that loneliness becomes annoying because, if you’re friends with them, the singles will constantly ask for attention. They’ll refuse to understand why you need to go on a date instead of hangout with them for the fifth time that week. Or even worse… they’ll become an unavoidable and unapproachable third wheel. The dreaded status of friendship too awkward to talk about yet annoying enough to resent. The couple doesn’t want to hurt the feelings of a merely lonely single for they are already fragile as is.

If you’re an infinitely free single person, I recommend picking up a hobby so you can let your friends escape your chilling grasp. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you, they’re just exhausted from trying to bear the burden of a single friend. In my humble opinion, if you’re single, you’re probably boring. How many interesting people do you know who willingly choose to be alone? Unless you’re a mega genius who has dedicated life to a craft – which isn’t really being single, honestly – then get to work.

 In fact, I should give a warning for singles now out of my concern for the future. Avoiding the work to become interesting will eventually turn into avoiding relationships at all. You’ll start wearing fedoras, only drink Mountain Dew and demand for tendies from your mother’s basement because no one has ever accepted your advances. My PSA is to help the sucking singles out there to become interesting and stop being lame by finding someone to love.

These are my sweetly compiled reasons for why single people suck. It’s impossible to refute a claim based on obvious common sense and reason. If this offends you… you’re probably single. Happy Valentine’s Day!