Arts & Entertainment

Newswire staff’s music exploited

Staff writers take a dive into various Newswirians’ Spotify Wrapped 2021

By leighton Gammage and Olivia Valkner, Guest Writer and Staff Writer

We found a way to infiltrate the Newswire staff’s individual Spotify Wrapped statistics, and nobody is safe from the criticism. That is, unless you’re an Apple Music user… but that’s embarrassing enough. 

When left to deal with looming COVID-19 restrictions and the stress of college, the Newswire staff turned to some good — and some pretty terrible —  music. We decided, as empaths, that it is our responsibility to bring to light a hyper-analysis of our staff’s music taste.

Manic Pixie Dream Girl with a Musical Theater Background

Top Artists 

1. Taylor Swift 

2. Conan Gray 

3. Ben Platt 

4. Dolly Parton 

5. The Jonas Brothers 

Top Songs 

1. “The Story” by Conan 

Gray 

2. “Heather” by Conan 

Gray

3. “Betty” by Taylor Swift

4. “Waving Through a 

Window” by Ben Platt 

5. “I Think He Knows” by Taylor Swift 

Miss girl, are you OK? Not going to lie, your top songs are really sad. Like really, really sad. But 10 points for the hidden gem “I Think He Knows,” though. That I respect! Also, as much as I hate the musical Dear Evan Hansen, I do like Ben Platt as a person, so I will let it slide. However, the crown jewel of your Spotify is national treasure Dolly Parton. In Parton we trust. 

Mr. Hung Up on His Cafeteria Crush 

Top Artists 

1. Coldplay 

2. Quinn XCII 

3. Kanye West 

4. Drake 

5. Yung Gravy 

Top Songs 

1. “Heat Waves” by Glass Animals 

2. “Are You Bored Yet” by Wallows (ft. Clairo) 

3. “These Days” by Wallows 

4. “Higher Power” by Coldplay 

5. “Deja Vu” by Olivia Rodrigo 

Sir, your Spotify Wrapped is a mess. Like, hit and run level mess. We’re surprised “Deja Vu” squeezed in there. Also, how are you listening to Coldplay in this day and age? I do have mad respect that you even know who Quinn XCII is, though. You probably saw him in the fall when he came to Cincinnati, huh? Also, do you really like Wallows, or does the girl you like like Wallows? Don’t worry, you’re still just like every other White boy out there with the staple artists Kanye and Yung Gravy. 

Miss Girly Pop 

Top Artists 

1. Taylor Swift 

2. Olivia Rodrigo 

3. Ariana Grande 

4. Anthony Ramos 

5. Ben Platt 

Top Songs 

1. “Breathe” by Taylor Swift

2. “Don’t Blame Me” by Taylor Swift 

3. “Deja Vu” by Olivia Rodrigo 

4. “Drivers License” by Olivia Rodrigo

5. “Beeny’s Dispatch” by 

Leslie Grace and Corey Hawkins (from In the Heights)

So you want to be in a musical, but you can’t sing… got it. Your top three are the “I dated an emotionally unavailable man” trifecta. I can’t tell if you need singing lessons or relationship therapy; either way, your friends and family are worried about you. Call your mother, please.

Phoebe Fanatic 

Top Artists 

1. Phoebe Bridgers 

2. Mitski 

3. Beach Bunny 

4. Lorde 

5. Mother Mother 

Top Songs 

1. “Kyoto” by Phoebe Bridgers 

2. “Graceland Too” by Phoebe Bridgers  

3. “Savior Complex” by Phoebe Bridgers 

4. “Moon Song” by Phoebe Bridgers  

5. “Scott Street” by Phoebe Bridgers  

OK, we get it. You love Phoebe Bridgers… so much so that I wouldn’t be surprised if you saw her in concert. We hope you’re doing better in the new year. Might I suggest some more happy songs for you? You seem like you need it — and maybe a Big Mac with a large Diet Coke and fries. 

The Wildcard 

Top Artists 

1. Weezer 

2. Tyler, The Creator 

3. Trippie Redd 

4. The Beatles 

5. Cuco 

Top Songs 

1. “Delayed” by Temporex

2. “Winter’s Ballad” by Cuco 

3. “Anxious” by AJ Tracey 

4. “Lo que tú me das” by Juanpalitoschinos

5. “Zanzibar” by Billy Joel

We got discouraged after seeing your top artist. Let’s actually dive deeper into that mixed bag. It’s the juxtaposition of The Beatles and Trippie Redd for us. It really screams “sensitive soul by day” and “partier by night.” We feel like people will understand your results more after having an in-person conversation with you, and we can’t decide if that is a good or a bad thing. 

The Kid Who Aggressively Stares You Down in the Cafeteria 

Top Artists 

1. Kanye West 

2. Tyler, The Creator 

3. Kendrick Lamar 

4. Death Grips 

5. Lil Nas X 

Top Songs

1. “What A Life” by Scarlet Pleasure

2. “Runaway” by Aurora

3. “Levitating” by  Dua Lipa (ft. DaBaby) 

4. “No Surprises” by Radiohead

5. “Rapp Snitch Knishes” by MF Doom

Anger issues aren’t cute. Get some help. Get off TikTok, and touch some grass. Please. There is a life outside of your phone, I promise. You eat beef sticks, don’t you? Not surprised.

Also, when was the last time you listened to your music on a volume lower than 60? You don’t remember, do you? Just like your hearing, your memory isn’t that sharp. Remember, drowning out your feelings with loud music is not a substitution for getting professional help. 

Granola Girl Who Never Outgrew Her Belieber Phase 

Top Artists 

1. The Lumineers 

2. SZA 

3. Justin Bieber 

4. Tyler Childers 

5. Lizzy McAlpine 

Top Songs 

1. “Strange” by Kris Bowers 

2. “Off My Face” by Justin Bieber 

3. “Feathered Indians” by Tyler Childers 

4. “Charleston Girl” by Tyler Childers

5. “Follow You to Virgie” by Tyler Childers 

In all honesty, we respect this. Justin Bieber does scream “longing for my childhood,” but we still love him. Props for listening to Tyler Childers and Lizzie McAlphine. We do appreciate less popular music (even if it’s sad). Congratulations on your music library being named the epitome of yearning! 

The Anti-Swiftie 

Top Artists 

1. John Mayer 

2. Dodie 

3. Radiohead 

4. Frank Ocean 

5. Post Malone 

Top Songs 

1. “Sorry” by Dodie

2. “I Kissed Someone It Wasn’t You” by Dodie

3. “In Your Atmosphere” by John Mayer

4. “Stay” by Post Malone

5. “The Sunshine” by Manchester Orchestra

John Mayer is a good and respectable artist, but how is he your number one artist? How many stages of grief have you been through? How many do you have left? Although we truly respect Frank Ocean and Post Malone, Radiohead canceled them out. You are starting to discover your true self worth. To make it easier, stop listening to Dodie. She makes you cry everytime and sends you back to square one. 

Olivia Rodrigo Fanboy 

Top Artists 

1. Parachute 

2. Skillet 

3. MercyMe 

4. Jeremy Camp 

5. Lifehouse 

Top Songs 

1. “Good 4 U” by Olivia Rodrigo

2. “Would You Go With Me?” by Josh Turner

3. “Something To Believe In” by Parachute 

4. “Wrecked” by Imagine Dragons

5. “Leave the Pieces” by The Wreckers 

You were doing so good, weren’t you? Who broke your heart?   Either way, we’re glad you rediscovered God during your time of self-loathing and grief. Good 4 U. 

Hopefully you’re doing better; if not, the Health United Building has great counseling services. Father B probably knows you by name which is a huge flex. We will see you at Mass this Sunday. 

The Only Mentally Stable One 

Top Artists 

1. Johnny Manchild 

2. Reel Big Fish 

3. BROCKHAMPTON 

4. Billy Joel 

5. Kendrick Lamar 

Top Songs 

1. “SUGAR” by BROCKHAMPTON

2. “Where Have You Been” by Rihanna

3. “Somebody That I Used To Know” by Goyte, Kimbra

4. “The River of Dreams” by Billy Joel

5. “Oops!” by Yung Gravy

Whoa, Billy Joel really came out of nowhere, huh? Which older person in your life had a strong impact over you: dad or grandpa?

Overall, you have pretty good music taste — just remember, “SUGAR” is not the only song by BROCKHAMPTON. My guess is that you have 30 playlists titled according to the emotions you are feeling at the time, like “Sad boy hours” or “Feeling good.” 

Clean out your Spotify so you can stop skipping those songs you liked three years ago; you will never like them again.