Based students, Shaq, ice shanty shagging

• California students protested after chocolate milk was banned at their school. Sources say that these students are based (Feb. 5).

• A zoo executive has confirmed Shaquille O’Neal’s claims that gorillas around the world “go crazy” when he is near. “I’ve been to every zoo in the world, and every time I go to the gorilla section, they look at me like, ‘Hey man, where your fur at?’ For real. For real,” O’Neal said (Feb. 6).

• The bar is that low: Boris Johnson’s press chief confirmed that the Prime Minister is “not a complete clown” (Feb. 7).

• An Ohio mayor insinuated that ice fishing leads to prostitution in ice shanties (Feb. 9).