Tinder Swindler, dad-stardly deeds, blue balls, pillow parachutes

The infamous con man dubbed the “Tinder Swindler,” who utilized Tinder to swipe his matches out of money, expressed interest in becoming Israeli foreign minister. “From here it’s only up…. Money is no longer an issue, thank God. I want to get into politics. I love the state of Israel. Maybe the position of foreign minister would suit me. Why not? I speak excellent English” (Feb. 17).

A French dad accidentally took down the internet of an entire town while attempting to block his kid’s internet. He bought a professional signal jammer to carry out his dad-stardly deeds (Feb. 17).

The CEO of MyPillow, Mike Lindell, plans to drop $10,000 worth of MyPillows to anti-lockdown protestors in Canada. He will use little parachutes to drop the pillows to his buddies. Sources say that this idea, while cringey, is kinda endearing (Feb. 19).

Florida Man has competition: A California man has been arrested three times within 16 hours. This man trespassed on private property, broke into a business with a screwdriver (as you do) and vandalized property (Feb. 19). 

In an incredibly cringey move, Alabama has omitted Civil War-era Abraham Lincoln from its President’s Day celebration (Feb. 21). 

An Iranian prisoner died of joy after the country abolished its death penalty (Feb. 21). 

A Las Vegas restaurant was accused of lacing its food with THC. One patron noted that, after her experience at the restaurant, she “said to my husband, I said, ‘Honey? I think I’m high,’ (Feb. 21).

With liberty and justice for all: A Boston man was stabbed for not flushing the toilet, according to police (Feb. 21). 

Requiring deez nuts? A woman with a severe nut allergy alleged that American Airlines kicked her off a flight because crew members stated that they were required to serve nuts to passengers (Feb. 21).

Blue balls: A Finnish skier’s penis froze during an event at Beijing Olympics. “It was just about battling through,” he said (Feb. 21). 

The Catholic Church is embroiled in scandal after hundreds of people’s baptisms have been revoked, due to a priest saying “we baptize” instead of “I baptize” (Feb. 21).