U.S. & World News

Weird Al runs for U.S. presidency

The candidate draws widespread criticism from the gamer/incel communities

By Tractor, Honk Honk!
DISCLAIMER: THIS PIECE IS SATIRE, WRITTEN FOR OUR APRIL FOOL’S EDITION, AND IT IS NOT BASED ON TRUE EVENTS.

Weird Al Yankovic, the glasses-wearing, mustache-sporting, pop song-parodying, hamster-herding King of Polka, announced on Tuesday that he will run for president  in 2024. 

“It just seemed like the right thing to do,” Yankovic told a group of terrified reporters tied up in his basement. “I mean, I couldn’t think of a funny way to parody ‘Industry Baby,’ so this just seemed like the next logical move.”

Yankovic will not be running as a Democrat or Republican but rather under his own party: The Polka Party. The party’s main concern is enforcing mandatory fun for all U.S. citizens. 

This would entail mandatory accordion lessons every day, a strict nationwide dress code calling only for Hawaiian shirts and a requirement for all citizens to read each month’s edition of MAD Magazine. 

In classic Weird Al fashion, he also announced plans for policies which would parody those written by fellow politicians. His “Don’t Say Hey!” bill would see that the word “hey” is banned from being taught or even said in schools across the nation. 

His “Build Back Worse” bill aims to turn President Joe Biden’s “Build Back Better” on its head by not only making life worse for Americans, but also by actually getting past Sen. Joe Manchin, D-W.V. 

He also has parodied former president Donald Trump’s classic slogan with a cheesy pun: “Make Parmesan Grate Again.” Classic. 

Yankovic has already gained a large political following, particularly among the Amish community. 

Jebidiah Smucker, a pastor in Cincinnati’s local Amish scene, elaborated.

“‘Amish Paradise’ is my f*ckin’ jam! We get that sh*t crankin’ in the horse and buggy! ‘Don’t be vain, and don’t be whiny, or else my brotha I might have to get medieval on your heiney!” Smucker said.

Photo courtesy of “Ramona Flowers,” according to simps
“Weird Al” Yankovic, known for classics like “Amish Paradise,” is bringing his comedic styling to U.S. politics.

However, not all are supportive of the curly-haired cretin’s bid for the presidency. Members of the gamer community were particularly enraged. 

“As a member of the country’s most oppressed minority, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with a gamerphobic president in office,” professional gamer Gilbert Koogler said. 

“‘White N’ Nerdy’ is a flat-out macroaggression against me and my incel culture, and my blood boils with rage whenever I hear it,” he added.

The candidate is already on the campaign trail, traveling the country to kiss hands and shake babies. His rallies consist mostly of him playing hour-long rock operas on his accordion.

Yankovic has attracted his fair share of detractors. In particular he has drawn the ire of fellow celebrity-turned-politician, Trump. 

“This man is a joke. He’s not even weird. Everyone knows I’m the weirdest candidate; everyone says I do the best Michael Jackson parodies,” Trump told Fox News pundit Tucker Carlson on Wednesday. 

“He’s only doing this to promote his upcoming biopic starring Daniel Radcliffe, an actor with a great range, the best range, totally underutilized in the Harry Potter films, Tucker. We all know his best performance is in Swiss Army Man starring Paul Dano, a wonderful film Tucker, you know it, I know it,” he continued.

Yankovic is currently the frontrunner in the election, as no one else has announced their candidacy yet. 

“I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose… live on the streets, maybe,” he told the reporters in his basement. “Wait… ‘On the streets maybe,’ ‘Industry Baby’… I’ve got to get my accordion!”


Categories: U.S. & World News