By Vlad Slavadingdong, Pony-sona Analyst
DISCLAIMER: THIS PIECE IS SATIRE, WRITTEN FOR OUR APRIL FOOL’S EDITION, AND IT IS NOT BASED ON TRUE EVENTS.
In a move many political analysts are calling the “Tower of Babel-shka,” Russian President Vladimir Putin has thrown a hissy fit and privatized the use of the Russian language to just himself.
The Putin Oligarchical Oration and Speech Emancipation Effort (POOSEE) went into effect last weekend in response to increased criticism of the Ukrainian conflict.
In a press release, Putin stated: “Teper’ glupyye amerikantsy ne poymut, kakaya glupaya mysl’ iskhodit iz moikh ust. Mat, yanki.”
Buying the rights to an entire language has cost the Russian president an estimated $1.4 trillion, as well as all royalties made off of his appearance in the Epic Rap Battles of History music video, “Rasputin vs. Stalin.”
Before buying the rights to the language, Putin stated that his goal was to discombobulate Ukrainian forces, making intercommunication between forces and interpretation of Russian troop mobility harder for them.
“Russia’s POOSEE has tightened its firm grip on Ukraine,” Sasha Nikita Baryshnik, a Russian army general whose two first names are surprisingly masculine, said. “They can struggle all they want, but our POOSEE will devour them whole!”
Despite international outrage, American officials are adamant the ploy will not succeed.
“Smug son of a Matryoshka thinks he got the one-up on us,” U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin said. “Jokes on him, though; we still got so much dirt uprooted on him we could turn his whole country into one giant cabbage farm.”
Austin specifically cited Putin’s fan-made My Little Pony character, or “Pony-sona,” posted to Russian DeviantArt in Summer 2014 during the peak of Russia’s invasion of Crimea.
U.S. President Joe Biden revealed the horse in a NATO defense conference this Monday.
“Look at this sh*t,” he said to the international board of generals. Biden specifically pointed to the hammer and sickle shaped cutie mark, hailing back to the Soviet propaganda of the Cold War.
Upon the image’s leak, Putin broke his vow of silence in an online chat room with other world leaders.
“Rebyata, pozhaluysta, ostanovites’,” he wrote.
While other countries downvoted the comment, Queen Elizabeth responded with, “Lol dude def traced off a template OwO.”
Collaborating with the U.S., Ukraine has confirmed suffering no setbacks due to Putin’s POOSEE.
“We don’t even speak Russian,” Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy, said. “We’re Ukraine. We speak, get ready for it… Ukrainian.”
Zelenskyy later showed an increased disdain for the Russian president.
“Someone needs to take Soviet Sparkle to the glue factory,” he wrote online.
In response to POOSEE, Ukraine and NATO have formed the Federation of Ukraine’s Payback on Ostentatious Oligarchs Treaty (FUPOOT). Under FUPOOT, all Russian citizens visiting Ukraine must legally strip down to their undergarments.
“In actual realness, it’s all been very confusing pain in my hole on butt,” one Russian soldier said. “We go home and must learn language of Idaho, then we come here and must strip to our tight whites. When will madness end?”
In response to citizen complaints about Ukraine’s counterlaw, Putin asked, “Rebyata, vy zlites’ na menya?”
Categories: U.S. & World News