Smith’s slap, recommendations re:Russia

DISCLAIMER: THIS PIECE IS SATIRE, WRITTEN FOR OUR APRIL FOOL’S EDITION, AND IT IS NOT BASED ON TRUE EVENTS.

• Riding the high from his “slap heard ‘round the world,” Will Smith, D-Penn, is contemplating a bid for the U.S. presidency. He would challenge Weird Al Yankovic, P-Cali, the only candidate in the race so far.  Chris Pratt, C-U*T., and somehow, J.K. Rowling, T-ERF., are expected to announce their candidacies soon (March 28). 
• Russian President Vladimir Putin approached reality star Kim Kardashian for advice on invading Ukraine. She advised him to “get your f*cking ass up and work” on his military campaign, arguing that “it seems like nobody wants to illegitimately invade foreign countries these days, man” (March 29).