Opinion: The plight of the Italianx

By Lil’ Ronny Rigatoni, Chief Goomba in Charge

DISCLAIMER: THIS PIECE IS SATIRE, WRITTEN FOR OUR APRIL FOOL’S EDITION, AND IT IS NOT BASED ON TRUE EVENTS.

While there are many communities in the U.S. that have been discriminated against including Black, Latino, Irish, Muslim and LGBT+ people, none are more prominently ridiculed in the modern age than the Italianx community. 

The Italianx community has faced decades of increasing discrimination ever since the mob lost prominence. First, the feds took down the Cosa Nostra, and now they’re trying to take the Christopher Columbus statues down! Oh Marone a mi! Are they going to take Piada now, too? 

While White liberals have labeled the Latino community “Latinx” against their will, Italian-Americans decided to get ahead of the curve and give themselves the “x” since Italian and Spanish are so similar. Thus the term Italianx was created. 

Both the Italianx and Latino communities have seen rampant cultural appropriation of their cultural meals and dialect. The term “gabagool” became a meme on TikTok as heard in the popular sound “Ey, where’s the frickin… gabagool?”. There’s pizza in places that don’t even know who or what an Italianx is, like Wyoming or Ohio. 

People even ridicule members of the Italianx community who talk with their hands. It’s just an ethnic quirk, not something to mock them for. 

Italianx people don’t like to gatekeep, like those stuck up disco and death metal-loving German people with their Brandenburg whatever, but non-Italianx folks have got to stop saying “I’m walkin’ he-yah” and doing impressions of The Godfather; it’s racist. If anyone from the community caught them doing that, they’d be a stain on the pavement in no time. 

Some opponents have said that Italianx people are White or that they don’t face actual discrimination. Va fangool! Then how come there was a Black president before there was ever an Italian president? Former president Donald Trump was the first president of Italianx descent. Chew on that, liberals!

Some of the great heroes and allies of the Italianx community include:

• Heroes: The Four Great Goombas
• James Gandolfini: He stars in The Sopranos, enough said.
• Cugine: a.k.a. @meals_by_cug on Instagram.
• Trump: I already explained why.
• Guy Fieri: The herald of flavortown, which is also what the Italianx call heaven.

Allies: honorary rigatones 

• Japan: They created Mario. Also, for unrelated historical reasons… Don’t ask! 
• The Pope: He’s from Argentina, which is basically Italy but in South America (due to the collapse of their government every few years like Italy’s). 
• Taiwan: China is the other most prominent noodle-based country, and therefore we oppose them and support the sovereignty of Taiwan. 

It’s not all meatballs and marinara, though. The Italianx community has quite the list of enemies as well. They’re some bad salamis, these guys. 

Enemies

• The Sicilianx 
• Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot, who claims she has a larger penis than all the Italianx community. (I swear I’m nearly half an Italian sausage long!) 
• Anyone that likes Chicago pizza or any mushad pizza from outside NYC or New Jersey. 
• The entire greater metropolitan areas of Chicago and LA.
• Chef Boyardee: That bastard slept with my nonna!
• Italy: Because Italian people from the mainland think that they’re better than the Italianx, and we won’t stand for it anymore!

In the name of the Italianx diaspora, Italianx folks will create a global Romanx empire: starting on the shores of New Jersey and reconquer Rome and the rest of the motherland from those stuck up spaghetti-creating sfigatos!