U.S. & World News

“Don’t Say Straight” bill passed

By judy hopps, Concerned Citizen
DISCLAIMER: THIS PIECE IS SATIRE, WRITTEN FOR OUR APRIL FOOL’S EDITION, AND IT IS NOT BASED ON TRUE EVENTS.

Off the heels of recent complaints and controversy from parents regarding school curriculum, a new California bill, dubbed the “Don’t Say Straight” bill, has passed in the state senate.

This bill will limit the discussion of heterosexuality and prohibit teaching heterosexual curriculum in public schools. A major proponent of the bill, Governor Dom GaySantis, suggested that it is a major victory for parents’ rights.

“Parents must have a seat at the table when it comes to what’s going on in their schools. It’s completely inappropriate to be discussing heterosexuality and cisgender idenities in the classroom where our children are learning,” GaySantis said.

Moreover, he argued that there is more important information that children should be learning in school.

“Students should be learning about LGBT+ history and its icons, including Marsha P. Johnson and Judy Garland,” GaySantis added. “They should be reading Oscar Wilde and studying the classics, from Elton John and Lady Gaga to all the pop divas of the ‘80s and ‘90s, not talking about heterosexual and cisgender people who do not offer any educational enrichment to the curriculum.”

The passing of this bill did not come without opposition. Critics have claimed that the bill is part of a nationwide attempt to silence cisgender and heterosexual voices. The nation’s first openly-straight senator, Beau Ring, tearfully spoke during the debate, highlighting the dangers of passing this bill.

“This bill will have a detrimental consequence on the mental and emotional wellbeing of cisgender and heterosexual students,” Ring said.

“Yeah, and?” GaySantis responded.

“It is not age-appropriate for students to be studying heterosexuality. It’s a slippery slope, which will lead children to promiscuity, bestiality and cannabalism, which are strictly against the Gay Bible, Angels in America,” he added.

Additionally, some parents have spoken out in approval of the bill, suggesting they will feel safer sending their children to school. Ellen Femme-Butch, parent of two kids at Cher Middle School, challenged the idea that this bill could be an attack on heterosexual people.

“My wife and I have nothing against the straights or the cisgenders, but we don’t want that kind of lifestyle for our children. We are glad this bill was passed to give us more control over what they are exposed to,” Femme-Butch said.

Jamie Bear, a single father of a 10-year-old at Camp Elementary in Northern California, expressed concern after a lesson about socks with sandals that he believed may have been turning his son straight.

“My twink son told me about this lesson his class was taught. A couple days later, he’s leaving the toilet seat up, sitting with his legs wide open and calling me ‘bro.’ I am trying really hard to accept the lifestyle he’s choosing, but it is difficult knowing your child might become a… a breeder,” Bear said, teary-eyed.

Growing concerns on both ends of the political spectrum continue to spark debates about the bill. Meanwhile, GaySantis will be left with the decision to sign the bill into law.

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