Discover what your top artist of 2022 exposes about your worst qualities
By Leighton Gammage, Staff Writer
Last year, Newswire received a few complaints about our Spotify Wrapped article being a little too honest. So, to address those complaints, I will be making this year’s article a lot more personal. This is the hard truth you need to hear based on your top artist. of 2022.
Taylor Swift: We get it — you love Midnights. Is it because you have a severe sleeping issue, or is it because you value the life of someone else over your own? Just because you relate to “Anti-Hero” and “You’re on Your Own, Kid” does not mean you are different from other girls. It means you’re exactly like every other girl out there. You’re not special, and you’re not the main character. Humble yourself.
Rex Orange County: Yeah, we heard the news that the allegations were dropped; sorry you covered up your tattoo drunk on a Friday night. On the bright side, it could be worse. Your top artist could have been…
Kanye: Delete Spotify. As a matter of fact, delete social media. I’m sure you’re a good person and you believe that Kayne is just “misunderstood.” Do you know what’s not misunderstood? Antisemitism.
Arctic Monkeys: You have a concert shirt by them. So stylish. Now stop listening to “505” and start actually caring about their music.
Panic! At the Disco: Brendon Urie has gone downhill mentally and physically since Death of a Bachelor. If you are that “down bad” for him, then find a business undecided major. They’re essentially the same kind of dude.
Eminem: Just because you listen to a White guy who can rap doesn’t mean you like rap. Listen to Wu-Tang Clan, Tupac, Notorious B.I.G. or Dr. Dre, and then we can talk about rap.
Any rock band (because you are all the same): Just because you listen to the same music as your dad does not mean I will call you daddy.
Olivia Rodrigo: It’s been a year. They are not thinking about you anymore.
Drake: Only child energy. Somebody didn’t get mommy and daddy’s love? It’s okay — it won’t get better, but you can lie to yourself.
Ed Sheeran: No, it’s not. AIN’T NO WAY YOU ARE STILL LISTENING TO THAT CHERRY TWIZZLERS, DEXTER’S LABORATORY LOOKING—
AJR: You are annoying. It can change. You can grow out of it. However, please know — you are annoying.
Chainsmokers: You are annoying, but I don’t know if you can grow out of it.
Beyoncé: Let the woman live her life. No wonder you’re single — you’re stalking your ex who dumped you two years ago. It’s time to let go, babe. If Queen B saw you, she would be disappointed.
Doja Cat: You are not entering your “hot girl” era. How about we enter that “drinking some water for once” era? Your liver is screaming.
Any K-Pop group: I am not writing about y’all, because you guys are the sweetest and scariest group of people I have ever met. Take my wallet, my phone, anything — just please don’t hurt me.
Phoebe Bridgers: Cry about it. Also put down your vape, thanks.
Bruno Mars: So, did she hurt you or are you in love?
Joji: She hurt you.
JVKE: You’re in love.
Frank Ocean: You like consistency. You are very chill and probably an introvert. I respect that. How about next year we try to branch out a bit, OK? Let’s listen to some other R&B artists. You can talk about it in your therapy session — I’m sure your therapist would love to hear about your progress. Oh? You don’t go to therapy because you think that you can deal with your issues by yourself? Sure…
SZA: Not gonna lie, I’m tired of hearing “Kill Bill” on TikTok. You are entering your hot girl era and becoming a self-love queen/king/monarch, and I respect you. You are growing; just make sure this time you don’t stop the growth after a minor inconvenience.
Glass Animals: Fire.
Morgan Wallen: You might be listening to “Chasin’ You,” but you ain’t getting chased. Go to a bar or a coffee shop, and meet some people. Your parents are asking about grandchildren. Maybe it’s time to think about meeting someone who can make that wish come true.
The Weeknd: Nevermind, you shouldn’t reproduce.
Harry Styles: How about we bring Harry’s acting career back to what it was: nonexistent. Just like Harry, you, my love, are not a jack of all trades. Focus on one thing at a time.
A videogame soundtrack: Shower. You are not a gamer, you stink. Nobody cares about your Pokémon collection.
Mozart: Classical music does not make you study better. Stop lying to yourself. You really want it to, and that’s OK, but it doesn’t.
Jonas Brothers or Big Time Rush: I’m glad your inner child is being healed. However, this isn’t an excuse to act childish. Fix your posture.