Back Page 3/29/23

Your Cincinnati Reds Who Haven’t Won a World Series Since 1990

By Lucy Kramer, Staff Writer

March 30 is the Cincinnati Reds opening day, and absolutely no one is lining up around the block to get tickets. At this point, I would not be surprised if the stands are emptier than they were during the COVID-19 pandemic. As a Reds fan myself, it’s not that I don’t want to support my team. The problem is that the Reds have not given their fans anything to root for since the 1990s. Historically, Cincinnatihas been full of bad pro-sports teams, at least where the 21st century is concerned. Despite this, in my experience, Cincinnati fans are loyal to their teams through and through Seriously, the last time Cincinnati’s MLB team and NFL team were both good at the same time was 1991. Since then, it has just been one big disappointment after another. Even the American Girl Doll Kit Kittredge stopped being a Reds fan in 2007. Coincidentally, this was the same year Joey Votto, the oldest current player on the Reds roster, joined the team.

If you aren’t from Cincinnati or familiar with its incredibly mid-even-for-the-midwest culture, you may be asking yourself: Why now? Haven’t the Reds been bad for almost 30 years? What makes this year different from any other?

My answer to that is simple. It is because of one man. That man is none other than Joe Burrow. Now I know Burrow is the quarterback of the Cincinnati Bengals and has absolutely nothing to do with baseball, but hear me out. Since getting drafted as the number one overall pick in 2020, Burrow has given Cincinnatians something to root for. He turned not only the NFL team into an underdog story but the entire city. After decades, the city could see victory at the end of the long, dark, miserable tunnel of despair. It was a driving hunger that some fans hadn’t ever experienced in their lifetime.

Because of Burrow, Cincinnati has tasted what it feels like to be better than average, and it isn’t ready to go back. This insatiable hunger can only be satisfied by being the best, and Reds owner Phil Castellini doesn’t seem to see that. He thinks taunting fans and adding goetta to the concession stands will fix 30 years of problems.At this point, watching the Reds crash and burn season after season it is starting to feel like the plot of the 1989 movie Major League where the owner is purposely ruining the team and its fan base so that she can sell it and move somewhere warmer than Ohio. The only difference between real life and the movie is that the Reds are in Cincinnati, not Cleveland, OH and owner Phil Castellini is definitely not as attractive as Margaret Whitton. Nevertheless, if the Reds are attempting to recreate this cult classic, there may finally be hope for a happy ending.


Aries: Akil Baddoo of the Detroit Tigers is your soulmate. He is a fine, fine man. 

Taurus: Francisco Lindor of the New York Mets is your soulmate. He is literally nicknamed, “Mr. Smile”. 

Gemini: Another hot man from the Detroit Tigers: Javier Báez. You’re welcome. 

Cancer: Giancarlo Stanton of the New York Yankees is very easy on the eyes. 

Leo: Gavin Lux of the Los Angeles Dodgers is so bad in an underwear model font. 

Virgo: Sandy Alcántara of the Miami Marlins is very attractive in a Ricky Martin way. 

Libra: Anthony Rizzo of the Chicago Cubs is not the cutest ever, but his last name has rizz in it, so he had to make the list. 

Scorpio: Brandon Crawford of the San Francisco Giants should win an award for MVD. Most Valuable Dilf. 

Sagittarius: Noelvi Marte of the Cincinnati Reds is a cutie pie. He’s 21 AND lives in Cincinnati, so we can totally make this happen for you. 

Capricorn: Trent Grisham of the San Diego Padres is your soulmate. And, he’s only 26, so it’s a little more feasible. 

Aquarius: Shohei Otani of the Los Angeles Angels is obscenely attractive. He is your soulmate. AND! He is 6’4. What more could you ask for, really? 

Pisces: Jonathan India of the Cincinnati Reds is another cutie. And he’s local!

Comic by Briana Dunn