The “We Have Conrad’s Back” Page

The Summer I Was a Homewrecker

By Chloe Salveson, Editor in Chief

In my experience, I find that when your aunt figure passes away from a devastating illness after using said illness to contort the relation- ships of those around her with some semblance of affection and care, the best thing for a gal to do is to refrain from disobeying that dead aunt figure by kissing the brother of the guy she was supposed to look after. Just my opinion.

As brothers, broody Conrad –who can take my soul any day–
and pouty Jeremiah–who needs to tone down the “Greek god” and blinding “ocean eyes” thing he’s got going on–grapple with the loss of their beloved mother and the possibility of never stepping foot in the idyllic, transitional colonial, two-story, too many beds, multiple-bath, hand-painted tiled kitchen, pale blue hydrangea beach house with a pool ever again. In turn, little Miss Isabel “you-can-love-them-both” Conklin takes a stab at breaking hearts with her average personality and blowing minds with her so-called volleyball “skills.”

I cannot begin to express how much I appreciate this trashy show and how much more I despise the main character and alleged antag- onist “Belly Button.” Rather than seeking help, love and support, Belly makes various self-absorbed decisions that ultimately create problems that span episodes, many of which Laurel, Belly’s mother, could solve in less than five minutes.

Did we get a really dynamic, Euphoria-reminiscent shot of the throuple in the motel — warm yellows contrasting soft blues, denoting the ever-lasting war waging within the pubescent mind? Yes. That is Belly’s only positive contribution to this whirlwind of lament, lust and longing. This season could’ve been one about grief and how to tackle
its drowning effects. Instead, Belly made this season a downpour of teenage narcissism. The sprinkles of Steven and Taylor provided our only solace amid the terrors of Belly and her drama-prone disposition — that, and Conrad’s sassy backseat banter.

For the next season, I call for extensive therapy sessions, more pale blue hydrangeas, more Cam Cameron, less Skye, no mafia boss Wattpad quotes from Jeremiah, less traumatizing Susannah flashbacks, the freshman fifteen, a Taylor Swift cameo, justice for Conrad–his car and his hoodie–and nothing but happiness at every turn for the dearest Laurel.