Campus News
By Marty Dubecky, Staff Writer
Disclaimer: This piece is satire and not in anyway true, happy April fools!
Xavier University is marking its first school year of implementing “Sustaining Excellence” plans. With the end of the semester in sight and Fall 2025 on the horizon, a new series of strategies have begun to take shape.
After partnering with consulting giant McKinsey & Company, Xavier has begun its quest of slashing budgets and continuing their legacy as a top Jesuit University. McKinsey, named after St. McKinsey the Shrewd, has been known to guide many businesses to profit maximization under the auspices of morals and piety. After easing Xavier into new business practices this year, they look to implement their more effective strategies in years to come.
“We’ve got big things planned,” the presidents of Xavier and McKinsey said in unison.
Xavier’s primary concern as a Jesuit institution for higher education is to make more money. With this goal in mind, Xavier (with guidance from McKinsey) plans to start by slashing majors. The list of majors to be axed stands at English, DIFT, philosophy, theater, music, art, theology and political science. Their reasoning is that the aforementioned majors are notorious for being communist, pacifist and overall, not contributing to a profit driven model.
Sustaining Excellence really just means making more money.
This has been said for all except political science. This major is just annoying, so Xavier wants to get rid of it. This will give room for the business and STEM departments to clear their heads of the humanity department’s sentimental gobbledygook.
To bolster campus revenue, Xavier is also instating a “Grass Tax.” The soon to be cut philosophy majors in all their critical thinking glory theorized this to be the further stigmatization of cannabis on campus. However, the “Grass Tax” is instead a continual fee students must pay to use outdoor space on campus.
This includes any patch of grass used for any reason, academic or recreational. The university hopes this will encourage more revenue and provide a new and exciting atmosphere around outdoor space usage.
Not all strategies are being initiated to directly affect Xavier’s financial situation. Xavier and McKinsey are experimenting too. As retention rates continue to be a problem in conjunction with America’s unstable political climate, Xavier looks to make changes to the student experience.
Citing “1984” by George Orwell, Xavier looks to maintain institutional neutrality by outlawing any political speech regardless of party. Instead of allowing students access to the New York Times, Xavier students will only be allowed to read Newswire so that they have no idea of any current political crises going on. This will encourage friendly conversation and discourse amongst students and allow for a more inviting campus experience, hopefully fixing retention problems.
Xavier also plans on making the strategic move of freezing most professors’ pay (because why would they leave any job in this climate?) and hiring a Student-Administration Liaison. Xavier has named Dr. George Ironfist as the new hire for this position. Ironfist has previously worked in America’s top prisons and has been noted as an excellent behavioral manipulator.
Xavier hopes the new strategies will not only bolster Ignatian values, but bolster profit as well. Administration has cited St. Ignatius, a known miser, as the inspiration towards a capital-driven higher education institution model. Right now, only the future knows how sustained Xavier’s excellence will be.
