By Rory McNelley, Education and Enrichment Coordinator

On Easter Monday, after a visit from our Vice President JD Vance, Pope Francis passed away peacefully in the early morning. As soon as the news spread across the world, suspicions arose about what may have taken place during the meeting between the Vice President and the leader of the Catholic Church.

One cause of the suspicion may be the ongoing beef between the two. Pope Francis disagreed with JD Vance’s defense of Trump immigration policies using Catholic teachings. Pope Francis ensured there was no confusion as to what the Church teaches.

“It seems my friend JD has not brushed up on the Catechism recently. Being hostile to immigrants is never the answer and is not what Jesus taught. I am not sure exactly why he said this, but I am here to debunk the fake news,” Francis said.

Francis’ response is ironic considering Vance has been at war with the mainstream media for spreading fake news. It seems he’s the one buttering the toast.

Another possible motive is the lack of funds in the White House. Vance could have snuck into the Vatican back rooms to collect all valuable artifacts to then sell. This money would then be used to cover up the immense failure of the recent tariffs and help pay for his children’s college tuition.

For whatever reason he did it, I am also focused on the “how.” Vance came to visit the Pope on Easter Monday and committed murder on the day of Resurrection? Insane work for such a devout believer.

Since the Vatican is a fairly busy place, Vance had to be stealthy. My guess, he offered our Holy Father a glass of wine and some riveting conversation. It seems the Pope received the wine but lacked the dialogue; I am sure the poison made up for its absence. The men talked about the important things like the NCAA tournament, their favorite colors and their biggest pet peeves.

Francis spoke up, explaining that his biggest pet peeve was people using false doctrine to back up immoral ideas, then held up a mirror for Vance to look into. At this point Vance got up and exited the meeting. The pope just smirked.

Though the origin of the poison is unknown, I suspect it was grown in the garden of our second lady, Ginny and Georgia style.

Vance, knowing the crime would never be blamed on him, went back to his hotel, ate some melatonin gummies and settled into bed. In the night, Jesus appeared to him and said, “not cool man, not cool at all.” Realizing the gravity of what he had done, Vance thought back to second grade. Having studied the ten commandments, he thought back to number six and said to himself, “silly me, how could I forget.”

He was last seen smiling at the Pope’s funeral on Saturday, April 26.