By Marty Dubecky, Staff Writer

There’s no question about it: nobody likes construction on campus, but everybody loves it when construction workers are wearing little more than a hard hat and a neon vest.

For years, decades even, Xavier has been a Jesuit University. This means sticking to Jesuit Catholic values, but to stay relevant, change is needed. 

President Dr. Colleen Hanycz is the first woman and first lay person to serve as Xavier’s president. This is a huge deal, but she must do more.

Hanycz is making strides with a new College of Medicine Osteopathic, but construction poses an immense hindrance to students. Construction at the medical school, construction near the Commons and there is most likely more construction to come. Hanycz, in order to keep students in her good graces, needs to make the construction workers sexy.

Xavier students, we seldom unite as one. We all go to school here, but more than ever there seem to be rifts. Politics are becoming venomous and polarization is rife. Students need to stick up for a vibrant student life we all deserve.

America is the land of opportunity and Xavier has the opportunity to become a model for what the next American university could be. Campuses across the States are faced with construction problems. Across the pond at Cincinnati, students are continually exhausted from omnipresent construction. Their construction worker wears full length pants and full length sleeves beneath a neon vest. We do not have to settle.

Complacency is a marker of decline. First, we look to make no change because of a false notion of futility, then we fall prey to increasingly oppressive rulings. Let us join together as a united front.

We all chose Xavier for a particular reason. Having chosen this university and submitted gargantuan tuition checks, we hold every right to obtain sexy construction workers.

The concept is simple. The workers may all wear hard hats, neon vests and tool belts. The ideal covering for the rest of their apparel is skimpy; to say the least.

There are services everywhere that supply sexy construction workers. Why must they simply lay pipes near Commons when they could lay pipe metaphorically? 

The practice is even simpler. If more than half the student population signs a petition, the dreams we hold dear to our hearts can become a reality. No school administrator could ignore a petition signed by so many individuals. We have the power to make demands for the sake of our education. Demand we must and demand we will.

If the petition does not work, we will take to the streets. The unofficial student activist organization, Citizens for Construction Worker |Clothes| Liberation have prepared a few slogans useful for chanting:

– Bring in the hotties, make us drool, sexy construction workers rule!

– Roll up those shorts and show those thighs, make these workers easy on the eyes!

– Don a hard hat and tighten your toolbelt, let us make our boring school melt!

– Sustaining excellence is a bore, modest construction I abhor!

– Whip out that tool and get to work, let us see those neon a**es twerk!

– Hammers and shovels, lumber and steel, we want construction workers that make us feel!

– Build a school and lay a pipe, we want construction workers, the sexy type!

It’s All for One and One for All. If we band together Xavier, we can make this happen. Now who’s with me?