SATIRE

By Erin Walker, Newswire Intern

The Xavier Newswire has taken the time to conduct a study on Xavier’s most used restrooms base on cleanliness, accessibility, creativity and vibes. These evaluations are based on thorough research and unbiased documentation within these categories to produce the most accurate rankings.  

4. Hailstones

The Xavier bathroom which took last place in our ranking system was located on Hailstones’ first floor. If you were to get murdered in any of the bathrooms, here at Xavier it would be in this one.

With its musty orange stalls, yellow floors and eerie lightning you could have easily stepped into your favorite thriller movie’s next murder sequence. But lucky for you, the Hailstones bathroom is so hard to find that you’re probably safe, since the killer wouldn’t know where to look for you – or your body will never be found. Go at your own risk.

Based off our bathroom grading scale, Hailstones has earned a 7 1/2 out of 20. In scoring Hailstones earned a 2 ½ out of 5 in the cleanliness category due to various paper towels being littered all over the floor. In accessibility, it earned a generous three out of five due to the ramp leading up to it, but since it was hard to find it lacked the potential to receive all five points in this category. However, in the creativity category, Hailstones earned a four because the orange on yellow was a very unique color choice. Lastly, Hailstones earned a negative two in vibes because personally I would not want to be caught dead in there.

3. Gallagher Student Center (GSC)

The next evaluated bathroom was located on the GSC’s second floor. This restroom was well kept and fell within the lines of a traditional bathroom. The only side comments were that the soap dispensers were always out.

Based off our bathroom grading scale, GSC has earned a 13 out of 20. It earned a five out of five in the cleanliness category. Every stall was clean and ready for use and the air inside the bathroom was refreshing. Although accessible to all, the soap earned GSC a three out of five in the accessibility category. Next up in the Creativity category, GSC lacked again earning a two out of five with nothing standing out. Lastly, GSC managed to earn a 3 out of 5 in the vibes score due to the comfortability of the space.

2. Alter Hall

Although Alter has a variety of bathrooms available to students, the ones we specifically reviewed were located on the basement level.

After further investigation we have determined that the all-gender bathroom was actually supposed to be the design for the ones located within the suites in Buenger Hall, but the architects messed up the floor plans and now there is a full shower within Alter. So, if your roommate is ever hogging the shower, just know the one in Alter is always free.

Based off our bathroom grading scale, Alter has earned a 15 out of 20. In the cleanliness category, Alter scored a four out of five. The space was fairly clean but not immaculate. In the accessibility category it did manage to score a four out of five as well. Although in the basement, you can still reach the bathrooms by elevator and stairs alike. You may expect Alter to score high in creativity due to its private shower, but we are sorry to inform that’s just not creative enough for our scoring, earning Alter a three out of five. Lastly, Alter did manage to score a four out of five in vibes due to the fact that you can sing in the shower in between classes – if you wanted.

1. Connotive Learning Commons (CLC)

The most highly ranked bathroom of our evaluation was the one located in the CLC’s top library floor. Have you ever wondered why girls go to the bathroom together? Well, it’s because Xavier’s library bathrooms provide a space for your friend to sit while you complete your business, a perfect spot to share study habits and talk about your latest homework assignments that you definitely want to complete.

Based off our bathroom grading scale, the CLC has earned a 17 out of 20. In the cleanliness category the CLC averaged out at a four out of five. There was little trash around and the overall area was well kept. Next this bathroom earned a three out of five in the accessibility category only since the stalls were quite narrow and small. In the creativity category the CLC bathroom excelled, earning a five out of five. It must have been a genius who thought of adding that singular couch to the bathroom’s waiting area. Lastly, this bathroom earned a five out of five in vibes due to the fact that it was so cozy and homely compared to the rest of our candidates.