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SATIRE
By Abby Knox, Opinions and Editorials Editor
Here lies five places which are guaranteed to be better than our small college campus known for serving the best raw chicken in town and the ever-increasing tuition rates.
- The place down under
Now, I know that is a far stretch, but the dorm’s thermostats stuck at 80 degrees are sure to keep you toasty. Heck, even H*ll is stricter about who is admitted to our beloved campus. The have an acceptance rate below 87% I am sure.
- Airplane bathroom
This top-of-the-line porcelain throne is sure to be roomier than our residence halls. Shockingly, it has locks that work, unlike the numerous stalls around campus with faulty locks. Although it may have a stench, that smell is nothing compared to the pungent smell that students are hit with each day when walking over the sewer grates.
- The School of Osteopathic Medicine
Although it is still in progress, this “building” already has had more money poured into it than the humanities majors have had in the last decade, not to mention our faculty and staff who probably have not seen a pay rise in ages.
- The airport during a government shutdown
Airport are super busy during shutdowns and closely resemble the stairwells of Alter Hall during class changes.
Getting on a plane during a government shutdown is more likely than finding a parking space on campus, especially one that is not a hike away from your dorm or will not be a place where your car will likely get broken into. But, let us be honest… is that not like all of campus? Packed like a can of sardines, those at the local airport will be reminded of Xavier on the night of a home basketball game, but these travelers are then elated to realize they will never have to park in R-2 while living in Kuhlman or Justice ever again.
- The streets of Cincinnati
Spotify lags more than professors ability to respond to an email.
The streets of Cincinnati are known for being riddled with bumps and holes, enough that some Xavier students have been seen taking a drive around campus in hopes of getting a stronger cell signal from our ever-reliant WiFi network. Oh, and if you are a Spotify user, you may as well just call it quits now as the Xavier WiFi is one for skippy songs and lagging lyrics.
