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SATIRE
By Rory McNelley, Education & Enrichment Coordinator
After surveying our readers at the end of the second week of January, the Xavier Newswire team collected data from 100 students. As it turns out, 58% had already failed their New Year’s resolutions. Here are the numbers:
About 15% of students resolved to go to the Health United Building (HUB) at least three times a week this semester to exercise. According to the survey, only 2% were successful two days of the week and 1% one day of the week. The other 12% have not yet visited the HUB for things other than awkward TriHealth appointments and boring nursing classes.
The HUB is desperate for more members and even posted a billboard outside of the building. Xavier students have thrown their Jimmy Carter milkshakes from Currito at the sign in protest.
A large number of students, around 35%, resolved to attend the winter club fair and get more involved during 2026. The winter club fair attendance totaled up to 17 students, 10 of which signed for a new club solely because their friend’s organization needed more Campus Groups members.
The other seven were threated a gun point to sign up for their friends’ clubs so Dustin thinks attendance is increasing. The clubs included Dungeons & Dragons club, people whose favorite color is green club, and the fourth variation of earth club.
Around 23% of Xavier students have succeeded so far with their resolutions. One student testifies that he decided to wear shorts every day, no matter how cold. His mom was unable to convince him this is stupid.
Another pledged to stay till closing every Saturday at Mr. Pitiful’s. She was last seen on the sticky ground of the dance floor as the lights came on and the disgusting environment was put on display.
Workout just enough to justify buying new gym clothes: we know you’ve had your eyes on the polka dot lululemon set.
Save money: an easy hack for these resolutions is deleting your mobile banking app. If you can’t check your balance, you don’t have to worry about it. Out of sight, out of mind.
Go to bed earlier: instead of doomscrolling on your couch until the early hours of the morning, hop in bed and doomscroll there. You’re in bed, it counts.
If you aren’t kissing the back bumper of the car in front of you, something is wrong. Go all Ilya Rozanov on that car.
Learn a new skill: ideas for this include learning to cook something besides pasta or improving your parallel parking on Ledgewood so that there is not two thirds of the length of a car between you and the car behind you. We all need to park our cars, let’s real get cozy, bumper to bumper.
Stop online shopping: what happened to mall culture? The great American establishment is waiting to be explored. Go awkwardly interact with the customer service associate at Sephora or get caught unchanging in a dressing room!
Drink more water: adding ice to your coffee is an easy way to go about this. Or, pouring your Celsius into a cup and adding ice works too. Bonus points if the ice doesn’t melt by the time, you’ve finished your drink. Pro tip: use an insulated cup like Stanley or Owala.
Read Xavier Newswire: yes, you can actually go on the website the read our articles. Whatever your New Year’s resolution is the Newswire team wishes you luck. If you see Tommy tell him congrats on wearing shorts today.
