Back Page
SATIRE
By Gavin Guffey, Staff Writer
It is already February, and the new semester is in full swing at Xavier.
If you have been paying attention, you may notice that everyone on campus spends their day doing different things. Let’s go over a totally realistic day in the life for different majors of totally real people at Xavier.
Business students love to color! Almost as much as they love eating protein powder and counting on their fingers.
- Business
Kyle is a business major at Xavier. He rolls out of bed at 10:03 a.m. for his 10 a.m. class, “Intro to Coloring.” He makes it to class exactly at 10:10 a.m. only to find out that he was the first of four students late to class.
When Kyle sits down, he gets handed a paper from the teacher.
“Shoot!” he thinks to himself. “It’s test day.” Despite not studying, he still earns perfect marks for his impeccable coloring within the lines.
After his one class for the day, Kyle goes to lunch, but he does not go to the Caf. He gets free lunch courtesy of his virtual networking event with top C-suite executives from all over the Cincinnati area, delivered right to his dorm’s front door.
Kyle then goes to the HUB for a “quick” lift. His routine consists of chest and arms, every day, no matter what. He then finishes off his workout with a five-minute incline walk on the treadmill, an activity that he deems sufficient cardio for his entire week.
When Kyle gets back to his dorm, he doom scrolls on Instagram reels until 11 p.m. before he and his roommates all congregate for a power session on their multiplication tables. He goes to bed at the ripe time of 1:30 a.m., ready for a great day tomorrow.
- Philosophy, Politics and the Public (PPP)
PPP majors are the heart of Xavier. Sure, they catch unimaginable amounts of hate on Fizz, and everyone responds with a sharp “oh,” when they are talking to someone and hear that it is their major, but they are all just misunderstood.
PPP majors are very passionate about debate and some of them also love posting horrifically formatted Instagram statements for immediate release.
Charles, for example, awakes from his slumber at a very crisp 6:30 a.m., before performing his established morning routine, including a shower, his 25-minute hair routine and finishing with his vocal exercises – he needs to be warmed-up properly if he is to speak well today.
Charles shows up at 9 a.m. for his 10 a.m. seminar class to get a feel for the classroom. He can’t get caught being unprepared on the first day.
Soon, people start flooding in the classroom, and before he knows it, Charles’ teacher has begun class. After the teacher’s third sentence, Charles interrupts, this is his chance.
“That’s incorrect, actually,” Charles jumps up from his seat and exclaims!
Unfortunately, it does not go so hot for Charles. He gets kicked out of class, but it’s OK, because it gives him just enough time for his strenuous verbal warm-up before his debate practice at 5 p.m.
Charles spends 8-10 p.m. watching old political debates on his laptop, furiously jotting down notes, before heading to bed and getting ready for a rigorous day of debating tomorrow.
- Nursing
Ashleigh wakes up at 6 a.m. ready to attack the day. She hasn’t taken off her scrubs in a week, but it doesn’t matter. She needs to get to her 7 a.m. clinicals.
Ashleigh works clinicals until 2 p.m., which gives her just enough time to get lunch for 20 minutes before her 2:30 p.m. lab.
After her lab, Ashleigh goes back to her room. Her roommate tries to say hello, but she walks right past, goes directly to her room and slams the door.
She then studies chemistry, biology and more until midnight. Ashleigh spends what feels like an eternity studying, only to realize she has asked ChatGPT for “help” on all 30 of her homework questions, she goes to bed ready to do all of it again tomorrow.
Maybe by the end of May these people will change their routine, or maybe not.
