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SATIRE
By Grady Andersen, Staff Writer
All over LinkedIn, you see your fellow students picking up internships, sometimes for the most obscure companies or jobs. Here is a sampling of some of the worst:
Finance majors are stressed out coloring within the lines and picking out what tie matches with their beige khakis.
Finance:
For all the finance bros (and ladies) out there, this one’s for you! All your work on spreadsheets in class let’s you work in a cubicle for a few months, creating even more spreadsheets. Maybe one day, they will be useful, and they will get passed up to your supervisor, who decides to just show them off to management and claim their work as their own. All the while this is happening, your cubi-mate, John, keeps trying to convince you to invest in his new data-coin.
Sports Management:
Congrats! There are so many internships to do, but you more than likely missed out on applying to the best ones because you were too focused on making 36 March Madness brackets. Your punishment is working for your city’s Parks and Rec team, managing the 65+ indoor kickball league of 15. They do not know how technology works so you get to hand-deliver the schedule! They do not remember this schedule so you have to call them the day before to make sure they are available! They do not show up to the game since they either forgot about it, or their family has banned them from driving! And you can’t even quit, since you need all the internship hours you can get!
Psychology majors have their hands full with trying to console the Xavier administration after the huge win with getting Sal Vulcano to the plummeting loss of getting an artist stuck in 2016 and an artist stuck on Tik Tok for Xavier Fest.
Psychology:
Your internship is fairly simple: What is an internship? Why are internships? What makes people do internships? You only have one month to answer these questions and write a 25-page peer-reviewed paper. If you don’t get it just read more Freud. Maybe if you get the chance, you can psychoanalyze why the Xavier administration feels the need for a football team.
Philosophy, Politics and the Public:
Time to get off the high perch that is the honors college and actually get an internship completed. Maybe you want to work in D.C., working for your local representative, doing great work helping to improve your town and nation! Unfortunately, you get stuck on phone duty, having to answer for why someone whose only social interaction with you was a handshake decided to vote against basic funding. If that isn’t for you, maybe you could count Thanksgiving as an experience since you have to explain to your drunk uncle that yes, Obama was born in the U.S.
Marketing:
Perhaps your marketing teacher really tried their best to help with your internship, but all your “marketing” work, being your TikTok account, doesn’t really impress Fortune 500 companies. So guess what, you get to do work for the small business that you refuse to believe is a pyramid scheme! Making more posts and diversifying (by downloading Instagram) that get 10 likes. The company’s new biggest fan is your mom, so that’s nice!
Maybe it’s smart to take the summer off and enjoy a break. Just don’t complain when you are broke and can’t get a job after college because you lack experience.
