No Chalabae: the fall of society

By Chlo Mydia, NYU Transfer Student
Photo courtesy of
Experiencing nausea, headache and psychotic episodes? Fear not. It’s probably not COVID-19, just Timothée Chalamet withdrawals. Seeking out treatment is the best course of action and is necessary for your survival.

The pandemic has clearly been disastrous in one way or another. I think it’s safe to say it has  created traumatic experiences for everyone alike, but no suffering has been endured quite like  those of teenage girls, or more specifically, Timothée Chalamet fans.  

Have you been experiencing excessive tears, chest tightening or fits and tantrums not unlike  those faked by the girls who began the Salem witch trials? Do you miss dear Timmy, boy  wonder, “Chalabae,” gracing his beautiful presence upon the silver screen due to the shortage  of new movie releases? Is there any possibility the symptoms inflicting you relate to the lack of  bodily perfection, superb acting or ghostly pale skin?  

If you answered yes to any of the above questions (well maybe not only the first one — report to the nearest physician), you may be suffering from Timothée Chalamet withdrawal.  

Of course, other symptoms apply to the withdrawal. Physical symptoms seem too obvious to  point out, but here are a few: pulling one’s own hair out, a racing heart, bloodshot eyes,  sweating, muscle tension, twitches, tremors, tingling, dizziness and death. You know, the usual.  

The more frightening effects of Timmy T withdrawal are the ones shoved down to the deepest  depths of wavering souls as dark as the blackened skies of a haunted night or the mascara  running down one’s cheek at the possibility of another Trump presidency. 

These mental and  emotional symptoms strip their victims of any shred of dignity they had left after watching Call Me by Your Name for the twelfth time in a row.  

An example of a distressing effect of the unhinged hysteria is difficulty falling asleep due to  overthought of fanatical scenarios in which one falls in love with dear Timmy as he expresses his ever-growing adoration with a flirtatious smile and  delicious lips. 

This effect can easily be met with poor concentration, social isolation and/or delirium.  

Anxiety, most likely coupled with panic attacks and horrifyingly intense “sad girl hours,” may also be present within the victim if one does not not gaze upon his beautiful and enlightening face on  Instagram, TikTok, or in the most dire of circumstances, Pinterest.  

If one is victim to the most insufferable of circumstances caused by boy wonder withdrawal (i.e., someone who’s without Netflix or some inferior method of streaming), hallucinations may even occur. 

For instance, one poor soul was wandering aimlessly around Washington Square Park like a lost dog endlessly searching for its owner in an unknown region of the world and was found on a bench believed to be sat upon by dear Timothée about three years prior.  

Unfortunately, there is no truly effective cure for this appalling affliction, but there are but few ways to attempt to relieve it. 

Treatment includes a showing of at least one of the following: Call Me by Your Name, Little Women and even Lady Bird (you know, the movie where we aren’t even supposed to like his character). 

Keep in mind, it is observed that one can never swoon too much over those chiseled  cheekbones.  

As you assess your physical, mental and emotional stability in regards to Timmy T, I implore  you to please take this article as a precaution. Beware the ridiculously beloved talent, style, body, mind and essence of dearest Timothée Chalamet.