BY AIDAN CALLAHAN, back page editor
The first thing you need to know about Wonder Woman 1984 is that it doesn’t make a goddamn lick of sense. Sometimes, it likes to pretend it makes sense. Other times, it just decides to do whatever the hell it wants.
The entire plot of the movie hinges on something called the “Dreamstone,” which is literally a stone that makes your dreams come true. Wonder Woman’s dream is to have her boyfriend that she dated for a week 60 years ago come back to life.
That’s all fine and dandy until the stone brings him back and they discover that he has taken over the body of another man.
“Oh,” you may be asking, “So does the stone just not have the ability to conjure things out of thin air?” No, at one point it pretty clearly creates a wall to cut the Middle East in half out of nothing.
So why not just have Wonder Woman’s boyfriend appear out of thin air? I don’t know, I guess the stone just hated that other man in particular.
Our heroes don’t really care about him either, as they don’t even once stop to ask, “What happened to the guy originally in this body? Where is he? Is it wrong for us to be using his body like a meat puppet?”
The second thing you need to know about WW84 is that it is a 90 minute movie with a two and a half hour run time.
There’s this great scene in Captain America: The Winter Soldier where they address the fact that Cap has woken up in a brand new time. It’s a quick scene where he shows his friend a list of the pop culture he needs to catch up on. It’s a good, quick gag.
At least twenty minutes of this movie is Wonder Woman’s newly awoken boyfriend walking around the ‘80s going “oooh…” I cannot overstate how fast this gets old.
Oh, and don’t worry, if you thought there wasn’t going to be a five-minute ‘80s clothing montage, then you can rest easy.
The third thing you need to know about WW84 is that, despite me roasting it for this entire article, it does have a ton of potential.
Pedro Pascal and Kristen Wiig play the two villains, and they are both fantastic. Every time they are on screen, the movie actually becomes entertaining.
The action scenes in this movie are also stellar. The fight choreographers knock it out of the park and many sequences make great use of practical effects, rather than being a CGI mess like DC movies usually are.
The most tragic thing about this movie is that it seems like it would have been so easy to fix. The biggest problem is the script, which was written solely by the film’s director.
If she had solicited help from another writer, or maybe even written another draft (or two…(or three…)) I think this could have been one of the best DC movies yet.
But she didn’t, so we’re stuck with great actors and great action in service of a terrible story.
The final thing you need to know about WW84 is that it is a solid 2/5.