Couples conquer Valentine’s

by: Will Pembroke, multimedia show manager

For those of you reading who find yourself in the “taken” category or that awkward “talking” stage (P.S. just ask them out!) this Feb. 14, listen up. 

There are a few key ingredients that go into making what I’d call the perfect date. You may be wondering why you should take my advice. 

After being in a relationship for over three years, I can say that I’ve had my fair share of relationship holidates, and trust me, you don’t want to f*ck up Valentine’s Day.

To all my heterosexual couples out there, they will never tell you what they want. 

Same sex couples have an advantage in this case:; straight couples are notorious for not quite understanding what’s going on in their partner’s head. 

She will never tell you she wants flowers. Ever. 

If she does, you’re in trouble. He will never tell you he wants chocolate. Ever.

If he does, you’re similarly in trouble. This is because the minute you have to ask your significant other to do something, it means they didn’t think to do it first. 

Valentine’s Day is all about anticipating your partner’s wishes. 

She doesn’t want to ask you to buy her flowers, she just wants you to buy them. I can say with certainty that, unless she’s deathly allergic to flowers, this is a pretty universal truth. 

If you don’t pay attention to anything else in this article, heed my advice on this. Make your expectations clear — crystal clear. 

The worst-case scenario is that one of you outdoes the other and ends up feeling bad. 

Have the conversation beforehand so that you’re on the same page: is there a budget? Are we just doing cards? Are we going to a nice dinner? Are we splitting the cost of dinner? 

However awkward this conversation may be, I can guarantee it won’t be as awkward as when one of you shows up with a giant teddy bear, Fanny Mae chocolates, a gift card and a love letter while the other shows up with a heart shaped pizza.

To summarize, be an equal contributor. Valentine’s Day is about both partners making each other happy. To do that requires that both partners contribute to the night equally.

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Singles are ready to relax

By: Gus Nations IV, staff writer

You know, both of my peers who wrote this article with me had an all-too-optimistic approach to this abysmal holiday. 

As someone who has never had much luck with the ladies, I am here to tell you that Valentine’s Day is not all that it is cracked up to be. 

Think of me as the Grinch of Valentine’s Day. 

Picture this: It’s Feb. 14. You’re tired. It was a long day of school. Maybe you just had an exam that didn’t go well. Maybe you have a long essay that you haven’t started and you need to grind it out all night in order to have a shot at getting it in by that 8 a.m. deadline.

 But wait… your stomach sinks as you get a text from your partner reminding you of the plans that you made three weeks ago for tomorrow and the realization hits you like a ton of bricks. 

It’s Valentine’s Day and you don’t even have a card, let alone a cheap box of chocolates.

Now let’s take a step back: this is an easily avoidable situation. All you had to do was NOT pop the question and voila — your Valentine’s reverts back to a night of peaceful studying and relaxation. You get to sit withdrawn from your roommate as he stresses on what to get his significant other for this fateful day.

In the days leading up to Feb. 14, you smile wryly and chuckle to yourself, the master of your own loveless universe, as you see him stressfully online shopping to find just the right chocolate or just the right teddy bear. 

Surely nothing is better than this.

Personally, this Valentine’s Day will play just as it has for the last 19 years of my life: I will wake up, go about my day, maybe go for a run, hit the Caf and smile to myself as if I have figured out life’s great mystery. 

I’ll pat myself on the back as the happy couples go by, content with the fact that not a single bit of my hard-earned money will go to chocolate. 

Maybe I’ll even steal a couple of paper hearts decorating campus. 

Oh, you are a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

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Palentines party properly 

By: Olivia Valkner, staff writer

The more popular holidays in February include gathering around the TV to watch sports and showering your significant other with affection and gifts. 

For those who do not understand the allure of the Super Bowl, and for those who have yet to find their own valentine, February seemingly has nothing to offer. 

In an attempt to raise “singles awareness,” the Newswire team decides to spread awareness about a severely underrated holiday: Palentine’s Day. 

The holiday celebrates all friendships on the eve of Valentine’s Day, Feb. 13. 

This year, take some advice from the Newswire  team and celebrate the relationships you share with your friends in the most platonic, yet loving way possible. 

You can have a movie marathon. Whether it’s your favorite 2000s rom-coms or some new Netflix originals, it is definitely time to break out the popcorn. Might I recommend a revisit to the twilight series, because nothing is as strong as the bond shared between friends who romanticize vampires and werewolves. 

Go get food with your Palentines. Cincinnati has so many options when it comes to food, so take your pals out and help support small businesses.

Whether that be for breakfast, lunch or dinner, the city’s many restaurants offer a wide variety of dining experiences. (Be sure to check our previous issue’s restaurant review.) 

Alternatively, go on a dessert rampage.

Fun fact: calories don’t count when the treats are shared with friends. Take a trip to the Caf and hope that it will have something to satisfy your sweet tooth. 

I also recommend making Palentine’s Day cards for your friends. 

This holiday is all about celebrating any and all friendships, and the best way to strengthen them is by letting your pals know that you care.

If you are looking for some funny puns or pickup lines to use on your friends, be sure to check out the back page for a good laugh. 

Let your friends know that you care about them this Feb. 13.