Sports

New NFL Franchise added in Mass.

The Provincetown Yass Queens will join the NFL as the league’s 33rd franchise

DISCLAIMER: This piece is satire, written for our April Fool’s Edition, and it is not based on true events.
Newswire photo by Al G. Beatee
The Provincetown Yass Queens will join the NFL as their 33rd franchise and they will play their home
games in Provincetown, Mass. at “The Fruit Bowl.” The team’s logo is a caricature of a famous drag queen.

The NFL has announced that an entirely queer team will be joining their lineup in a bid to get more support from LGBT+ viewers. 

The team, the Provincetown Yass Queens, will be stationed in its titular Massachusetts-based city, known for being the gayest city in America. 

Commissioner of the NFL Goger Roodell stated, “Despite the homoerotic nature of our players slapping each others’ asses, we’ve noticed that generally, attention has been lacking in the LGBT+ population.”  

To quell this, as well as to avoid any allegations of possible hate crimes, Roodell and the NFL proposed the all-gay football team to the residents of Provincetown, giving them a large amount of creative freedom. 

“We wanted this to feel as authentic as possible,” NFL Head of Communications Raylor Tielpinski-Kogers explained. “Plus, we really can’t afford another Redskins scandal, so by letting them do all the work, we have someone to scapegoat if this goes south.”

These creative decisions included the team’s mascot, a caricature of drag queen Trixie Mattel with a tiny football helmet on her wig and the naming of the new stadium, which the residents of Provincetown have affectionately called “The Fruit Bowl.”

The team members were selected from Provincetown’s best players, hand picked by Yass Queen’s Head Coach and amateur drag queen Lyna Scrimmage. 

“I told them to play like you’re auditioning for Singin’ in the Rain, and the hot young stud in front of you just killed the tap number,” Scrimmage said. 

The lineup includes promising young star Nico Astroterf as the team’s middle linebacker. When asked about his draft, Scrimmage said, “Sure, he’s a twink, but he’s got legs for days and God, I’m gonna use ‘em.”

Astroterf, who previously played for Penn State was initially hesitant about joining his hometown’s newly founded professional football team. 

“The whole thing feels vaguely homophobic, right?” he said. “But considering my boyfriend asked me if the numbers on the field were how many points you get, I’d say it’d be a good opportunity to get more queer people involved in sports.”

The team has drafted more than just Massachusetts locals, however. One member of the team, serving as quarterback, is Cincinnati’s own Gryphon Braymer. 

“I was in marching band in high school, so I’ve been forced to watch my fair share of football games,” Braymer said. 

His previous experience in the sport included legitimately asking if the extra point through the uprights was called a ‘hole in one.’

 “At this point, I think I’m overqualified for the position,” Braymer said.

The Yass Queens are slated to have their first-ever game  against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to kick off the 2022 NFL season. 

“I have a lot of respect for Tampa Bay Scrimmage said. “They have great coordination and a Super Bowl ring under their belt, but we’ve got something they don’t: the ability to sue them for a hate crime if they get too rough with any of our players.”

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