Sports

Graham to fill Musketeers coaching vacancy

The former Xavier President will replace Ben Johnson on the Xavier bench

BY FR. GRAHAM LUVR, Transfer Portal Member
DISCLAIMER: This piece is satire, written for our April Fool’s Edition, and it is not based on true events.
Newswire photo courtesy of Chris Mack
With Fr. Graham joining Xavier’s coaching staff next season, the team expects a major improvement on
the recuriting trail. Graham is also expected to contribute immensely with his x’s and o’s ability.

Now that just four teams are dancing in the NCAA men’s tournament, Xavier is making offseason personal changes.

In March 2020 when Father Michael Graham, president, announced he was stepping down, nobody thought things could get much worse. 

Later that month, all NCAA and professional sports were canceled, including Xavier basketball.  

The pandemic hit us in full effect. We thought that our days were boring without Xavier basketball, but then we got it back this season and were hit with a rocky road.

Recently, in a secretly leaked podcast episode with some of the top-ranking students in the Student Government Association, Graham revealed his full retirement plans: become an assistant coach for the Xavier men’s basketball team.  

Immediately upon announcing the news, the recording studio emitted a mixture of emotions.

Sighs of relief were expressed as students learned that Graham would still hold a significant role on campus. 

 “Yeah, I wanted to do this for a while, but I couldn’t get myself to leave the presidency.  We had more things to accomplish during my time, and I feel that Travis Steele is going to need all the help he can get this upcoming year,” Graham said. 

Graham boasted a 13-7 record in the Crosstown shootout, giving critics hope he can turn the team around. This change was welcomed by fans after the Musketeers were knocked out of the first round of the Big East Tournament last month.

Students have long told tales of how Graham has a pop-shot basketball hoop on the back door of his office, running plays occasionally with some basketball players and his administrative secretaries. Graham finally came on record and cleared up the tales. 

With a large laugh, he said, “Yes! That is true.  For a while, I had one of those Nerf sets, but Mick Cronin decided to get me a nicer set after we beat UC a few Crosstowns ago.  I don’t think he likes me but I do love eating baby bear kittens for lunch in December.”

The pop-shot hoop isn’t Graham’s only hidden backstory.  Back in high school at Georgetown Prep in Bethesda, Md. Graham was a 5-star recruit, ranked #2 on ESPN’s “Class of 1981.” He was being recruited by schools like Duke, USC, North Carolina, Gonzaga, and a few other powerhouse programs.  

If Graham had selected North Carolina, he would’ve played with Michael Jordan. Together they likely would’ve won the 1982 NCAA Championship for the Tar Heels.

The buzz around campus since hearing of Graham’s return as an assistant coach has been massive. Students are definitely excited to  keep him around the Xavier community, especially with such a major role. 

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