Mario Kart to become club sport

Club will partner with other Big East schools for competitive tournaments

By Toad Racer, Rainbow Road Enthusiast
DISCLAIMER: This piece is satire, written for our April Fool’s Edition, and it is not based on true events.
Newswire photo by Koopa Troopa
If you aren’t careful, you might get run over by everyone’s favorite short Italian plumber around campus soon. Xavier announced recently that Mario Kart Racing will be a new club sport for the fall 2022 semester.

Your favorite video game has now come to life. Mario Kart Racing has been approved as a new club sport for the fall semester. 

In an effort to provide students with better parking options, Xavier plans to expand the R1 lot and abolish the R2 lot for student use.  

R2 will now be used as a raceway for the Mario Kart team. Each player will be allowed to choose from a variety of karts and bikes for racing. 

All participants must be over 18 and a half years old and are required to wear the team crocs while racing. 

Club Sports coordinator Nick Nintendo stated, “This was a highly-requested club by the students, and we are hoping that we can get as much participation as possible.” 

In addition to the R2 parking lot, Xavier is also partnering with other universities in the Big East to create competitors for racing tournaments. 

Providence College stated that they were “on board” during a group FaceTime call on Saturday night. 

Similar to the activity fee all Xavier students pay, students will be charged a raceway fee of $121 whether participating in the racing or not.

Practices will take place twice a day every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Morning practices will be at 5 a.m. and evening practices will take place at 4 p.m, followed by a mandatory team dinner at 8 p.m.. 

The team will also hold e-Sport practices on Tuesdays and Thursdays where students will meet outside and play Mario Kart. 

A projector on Husman Stage will allow racers to sit outside with teammates and race virtually. Tournaments will take place all day on the weekends.

Tournaments also solo and team racing. As in the video game, there will be many items throughout the raceway participants will be able to pick up while racing. 

Nintendo emphasizes that all Xavier students should “watch out for the many banana peels in the parking lot.” Students have expressed their continued excitement for racing to begin. 

Sophomore driving major Peach Garden has shown her readiness for the new club sport. 

Garden stated, “I have been racing all my life, I can’t wait to do it on campus.” 

Tryouts for the team will begin on May 1, and all students are encouraged to try-out for the very limited number of spots. Tryouts will consist of time trials, battles, solo races and team races. 

There are only 12 spots on the club team and eight additional practice player spots. Cash prizes will be offered to tournament winners placing in first, second or third.

Team race prizes will include gift cards to Bob’s Discount Furniture and free toeless socks. All tournaments are sponsored by Chuck E. Cheese, and every participant will get free pizza after each race. 

Additionally, the best racer of the semester will receive a .53 GPA boost for the service they have done to raise the profile of the school. This GPA boost is second only to the men’s basketball team. 

“This is likely going to be the biggest club sport on campus. We hope to expand the program in the coming years and potentially become a D1 sport,” Nintendo said

All students are encouraged to attend an information session about the club on April 1 at 12:07 p.m. in the Kuhlman Hall laundry room. Start your engines Xavier, the races are about to begin.