By perry White

DISCLAIMER: THIS PIECE IS SATIRE, WRITTEN FOR OUR APRIL FOOL’S EDITION, AND IT IS NOT BASED ON TRUE EVENTS.

After much anticipation, Robert Pattinson’s take on the classic comic book vigilante has finally been released, and oh boy, have the responses been… unique. 

For most directors, creating a film that seeps into culture is the mark of a success,  but I think Matt Reeves might have done his job a little too well. 

While I am not normally one to comment on fashion choices among our peers, I have noticed an uncommon number of black outfits. 

These, coupled with more than a few brooding expressions, have led me to the conclusion that around Xavier, students are all too ready to start exacting their “vengeance” on professors or anyone else they believe to be against the interest of the student body at large. 

With students similarly skeptical of the film’s underlying theme of corruption at the hands of the power-hungry, our student government seems to have their hands full while dealing with the impact of these Blue Blob Bruce Waynes. 

In fact, just yesterday I caught up with CJ Thimmons, a sophomore biomedical engineering major, who cryptically told me he believes the recent state of Caf food is an inside job. 

“They keep serving us food like this because they just reinvested in Currito, and they think that we’ll want to eat there instead,” he alleged. 

Anyone who’s seen The Batman knows that mob boss Carmine Falcone was running Gotham behind the scenes the whole time. When I asked for further comment, he declined to answer and instead attempted to blend into the shadows cast from a nearby broken Blue Light station. 

I saw him the next day walking out of the Caf. He was violently and repeatedly pressing the red    feedback button on the stand by the exit, while the employee responsible for swiping in smiled at him menacingly. It seems like he was feeding right into their sick game. 

In an effort to uncover this elaborate web of lies, I sat down with a Philosophy, Politics and the Public major and member of Xavier’s Student Government Association. They chose to remain anonymous. 

During our conversation, the individual in question assured me that the situation is well in hand and this fad would soon die out. 

“Look, some people just want to watch the world burn…. Wait, was that a Joker quote?” they said.

Regardless of the circumstances, I think it’s safe to say that The Batman will continue inspiring justice-seekers around campus — though it may be a little too inspiring.